Sunday, December 27, 2009


Man, winter break has gotten pretty boring since Chris has been gone lol. I really can't wait for him to come back. oh so, I am definitely going to vegas on the 2nd. I am going with Stephanie from class and her bf and his friends and her brother. we are the only girls going so it will be interesting. I am excited though. I am glad I actually get to go and I get to go with someone who actually wants me to go. I think I am going to universal studios on new years day. That will be cool too. I love it there. plus, buy one day get all of 2010 for free so I will HAVE to bring Chris there sometime. I am so cold. I have been working on Chris's gift since yesterday. I dont wanna say what it is in case he reads my blog which I am pretty sure he doesnt but I am just playing it safe lol. ok Im gonna go finish it up. bye!

one thing i wanna do before i die- adopt a puppy :)

Monday, December 21, 2009

some realizations

I messaged Anne the other day. basically asking what happened, and if i had done something to her for us to not be friends anymore. she said she couldn't be the friend i wanted. she said she had changed and cannot be that kind of friend to someone. sad. People really do change and sometimes its not for the best. Im glad her and I had closure.

Im not gonna say anything about Greg. I should have told him what I heard, but why would I do that. I wouldnt want to be the one to tell him about it.

Chris left for Hawaii for 2 weeks. Sucks but at least we get to talk on the phone lol. I love him so much. We went to the parade of lights the other day. It was very fun. I was so tired after I just stayed over at his place. We have been staying at eachothers places everynight. I am so happy that his parents love having me there and that mine love having him here. We were on the couch last night playing skipbo and we ended up just cuddling (after i beat him at the game !) He is so incredibly sweet and everything he says just makes my heart melt. Not to sound cheeseball or anything. we were talking about where we wanna live when we move in together. we were thinking san luis or oregon or santa cruz or i dunno. i am so excited though. God, i love him more and more each second. I can't wait til he gets back. !

so in the end. Realization= I LOVE CHRIS AND I love life!!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Start of winter break

Ok so it is FINALLY winter break. My break so far is really great besides working all the time. Chris and I made a gingerbread house and we made sushi last night to celebrate our 6 month. That was so fun. I have always wanted to make sushi and it actually came out really good. We went christmas shopping and I bouught some gifts but i still need to buy for kim julie joe chris and vince. I know what Im getting all of them so it will be fun to get those gifts. I will probably go with maria.

Ok so this is the downside. I still cant stop thinking about my old friends. they don't even care a little bit that we don;t hang out. i read messages all over facebook saying how they miss one sucks. They do downtown to ventura and its like, im not that far from ventura....i could meet them if they invited me. but no. I guess i have to get over it. if they dont wanna hang out with me then thats their loss. If you are reading this, you should comment and give me some advice on that stuff....moving on from old friends or feeling unappreciated by friends.

Not for a second do I feel unappreciated by Chris though. I can;t even explain how amazing our relationship is. we are definitely in the honeymoon stage right now lol. we are planning on moving in with eachother once i graduate. im sure i have said that in previous blogs but i am so excited for that. we are gonna live in ventura. and we will ride our bikes all the time and i am sooo excited lol. ok g2g food is here! bye

Friday, December 11, 2009


I am so glad school is over. I am so excited for break. Chris and I are planning on visiting his cousin in SF sometime soon, like next weekend or something. We are going christmas shopping tomorrow together. I am so excited. So glad finals are over! It weird that I only have one more semester of college left. I really feel like my life gets better every year. like, I am excited for mine and Chris's future together. We talk about it a lot. Greg never really talked about our future together. He would always just be like "well, i know im going back to bako after i graduate..." as if I werent even included in his plans. Chris and I are gonna get an apartment in Ventura when i graduate. Im hoping I can work at padagonia or somethign cause his aunt knows the owner. I hear thats a really incredible company to work for so thatd be awsesome. plus if we lived where chris use to live in ventura, then its be literally across the street lol. Last nigth Chris and I celebrated me finishing up the semester. We had subway and he drank wine and Idrank some smirnoff ices lol. Everyone said that it was lame for us to do that but we had so much fun. We started drinking at like 6 so we were all sobered up by 10 lol, but i was so tired so we went to sleep. when we woke up , we watched "up" and it was so sad. I cried probably 6 times. lol well Im gfonna go. ill keep you updated on my break. i dont know who im talking to lol. whoever you are, leave me some comments!

Monday, December 7, 2009

I'm Happy for you, but.....

Can we be friends again?...

Saturday, December 5, 2009


So, my life right now is incredible. I have such an amazing boyfriend. he is truely just the most perfect person I can ask for. but still, i think about Greg. Not at all because I miss him as a boyfriend, but i really do miss him as my best friend. I dont know how things got so skewed. We just stopped talking. he moved on from even being a friend to me. I feltl ike he changed. He always said that he thought i was expecting him to treat me like i was his girlfriend but thats not true. I wanted him to treat me nicely, as a friend. Things will never be the same and Im ok with that but Im not ok with the fact that I might never talk to him or hang out with him again. Chris is very important to me and I am really the luckiest girl in the entire world to have him but i have no friends anymore. I feel betrayed by so many people. Everyone just got so lame. I dont know how it happened. I guess I should continue taking things one day at a time and see where life takes me.

So finals are next week. On tuesday I have a marketing presentation where we are presenting a marketing strategy to the actual VP of iMainGo. I am really excited but really nervous. My group is the worst. I basically have done all of the work including coming up with the idea. Butat least it will be how i want it to be.

Thursday is my last final. Friday I move out and then Im going camping in SB with Chris Julie and her boyfriend Josh. It will be really fun. The sometime in early January Chris and I are going to visit his cousin Chelsea in SF. She is really awesome. His whole family is incredible and they are all so fun.

Im also gonna be working full time at the rec dept. this break. hopefully make enough money for the semester, but i doubt it. Im gonna have to take out a loan.. Ive gone 3.5 years of college without a loan and now on my last semester I need one. So lame. but hopefully I will get a job after graduation.

Oh! During Spring Break Im gonna go visit Chris in Belgium with his sister, Rainey. I am beyond excited. Which reminds me, I need to get my passport soon! I am so so so excited. It will be really good bonding for his sister and I also which Im excited for. Ive never relaly traveled anywhere except for Canada in 10th grade. I cannot wait to explore the world. I want to travel EVERYWHERE!. sO stoked for the future and cannot wait to see what else there is to come!.

Love ya. <3

-one thing I wanna do before I do- have a song written and performed for me.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

You're all such fakes

I can't explain how i feel right now. i hate you i hate you i hate you. the things you said to me before were always a lie. you are a fake. have fun living your life knowing that you lied. you honestly make me so sick to my stomach. all of these people i use to call my friends. i hate you all. you are not good people. to hurt a person who has always been there for you. ALWAYS. the only person who would be there for you in a heartbeat if you needed it. you don't deserve a friend like me. and i deserve better friends than you. seriously, fuck you.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Deleted. and Pirate Radio

So i officially deleted the bookmark to Gregs xanga. no need to read it anymore. not interesting to read a blog that belongs to a typical tool. you have become what youve always hated. Grats.

I just got back from the movies with Chris, his sister, cousin, aunt, and mom. It was fun. I really love his sister and his cousin. His family makes me feel so comfortable and welcomed. we saw Pirate Radio., That movie is incredible. I loved every second of it. I wanted it to keep going. and the music was awesome as well. loved it!

I am so tired now though from camping. Back to school tomorrow. Can't wait for winter break so i can be with Chris all day everyday. night!

-something i wanna do before I die-go to a light festival in thailand,

I was really roughing it

So i just got back from camping at rose valley last night. It was so fun. When we got there, we thought all the sites were taken up but there was one left an it was the best one cause it was hidden away from everyone else. we set up camp and hiked to the waterfall. when we got there, there were a couple families so we just sat and ate our sandwiches and waited for them to leave. when they left, Chris showed me a cave that was hidden behind the waterfall. it was so cool. you can like crawl in the cave and climb up to the top of the waterfall. it was so fun. when we got back to camp we took another hike up a really steep hill. chris let me old onto his butt pockets so i wouldnt fall down the hill haha and that was actually really helpful. the view wasnt bad either ;) lol he is so cute. We hung out at the top of the hill for a while til it almost got dark and we decided to build a fire. he roasted hot dogs and ate bananas. then we got in the tent at like 7pm. It was so early but we didnt know because we didnt have our phones or anything. we cuddled in the sleeping bag and told secrets lol. in the middle of the night i got soooooooooooooooo cold like ice cold. chris gave me more blankets and i fell asleep. i had to pee so bad all night tho and i didnt wanna wake him up to walk me all the way to the bathroom so iheld it...bad idea. by the monring time like 5am. i couldnt hold it anymore so i told Chris. without me even asking, he offered to walk me to the bathroom in the freezing cold. he had his jacket ready to put it on me so i wouldnt be cold when we walked there. we didnt fall back asleep but jjust cuddled. i probably looked so haggard but all he could tell me was how beautiful i am and how lucky he is. But i am the lucky one. to get a guy that every girl dreams of. he held me and i fell asleep on his chest. i was so perfectly warm and cozy when he wwhispered in my ears telling me he was gonna clean up everything outside so i didnt have to and i could sleep. he put all the sleeping bags on me and i was soo warm. once he finished cleaning he came in the tent and brought me some food. we ate apples oranges craisins almonds and turkey lol. it was good. i love him so much. i am the luckiest girl in the world. really.

Friday, November 27, 2009


Just had a huge talk with Judy. Its people like her who give me hope that not everyone at my school is a tool. Thanks for the talk Judy. I really appreciate your friendship.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Upgrade. Giving Thanks.

So I remember a time when i thought what i wanted in a boyfriend was someone to cook laugh dance etc with me. I remember wanting those things when i was with greg and telling him and myself that i could deal with the fact that he didnt do any of those things. Its insane the difference between greg and Chris. It shocks me i stayed so long with Greg after knowing how i should really be treated. Like, he didnt want to do anything ever. just sit, watch tv, do nothing. Chris is so full of life so fun and so appreciative. He loves everything i do. he tells me I'm beautiful without me hinting or having to ask if i look ok. i see myself getting married to him. We talk about our future together and he wants to live with me when we graduate. Greg never wanted to live with me. His loss. It was all completely his loss. I look at greg now, I get disgusted because he is just comformed to be like all those other guys. He lost his true self. and thats too bad. I'm going camping with Chris tomorrow! We are going to Rose valley. I am very excited. So spur of the moment always. He is so amazing. When we get our own place together, we are gonna have 2 dogs and 2 cats. the dogs will be lucy and spamoni and the cats will be Maru and Mimisiku. So excited :]

So, Its thanksgiving. I am thankful for my family. Even though they are all crazy and i get so frustrated by them, i still love them all so much and they support me so much and i am so thankful for that.

Im thankful for Chris. For being my everything. For being there when I am so sad. and for being the one to make me so so happy. For kissing my tears away and dancing with me in public. For being as cute as he is. For going on bike rides with me and for bringing out a side of me i never knew i had. For showing me how to live life and for living it with me. I love you baby. forever and always.

Im thankful for my best friends Kim Nichole Julie and Vince. you guys have been with me for so long. You are all there for me whenever i need someone to talk to and you dont judge me and you accept me for who i am. I can trust you all and I love you guys for that.

I am thankful for life love health and happiness. I want to appreciate the little things. Being able to go to school, have a job , and be healthy. I am thankful for the fact that i have all the things I need and am thankful for today and everyday to come.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you.

I think what I really need is a night out. Like dancing in hollywood or something. I need to grab some girls and go to a club or something. get all dressed up and dance. when i went to slo a little over a month ago, we went to a bar and went dancing and it was so incredibly fun. We had some shots before and walked to the bar from Johns house. Chris danced with me and it was so fun! I have never really dirty danced with a guy and been so comfortable with it. We were so good together! He is just adorable when is dances. I love it! and I love him! Can't wait to get back to school and maybeee have a party at CHance's house and invite only the people who matter. It will be so fun. So im thinking like Maria kim john nichole ben julie josh diana steph judy and i guess all of Chris's cycling friends. I really like all of them, they are so nice. Can't wait! dancing really makes me feel better all the time cause its makes me forget how shitty people are. I can just dance forever. ok well Im gonna go to sleep now. I have thanksgiving with the Bartons tmro! night!

-one thing I wanna do before I die- Donate my hair.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm shaking because it hurts so bad.

to see those fucking pictures. to see that i am LITERALLY replaced. Exactly where i use to be, that spot is filled. with someone who other people find to be more fun. awesome. I am disgusted and just so sad at everything. I cant believe it. That person who i thought i knew, someone i thought knew everything about me, is someone who is so different now. Just like everyone else. You're just like everyone else. go party, get drunk, hook up every weekend, be typical. i really fucking hate you. i really fucking hate you. i

Roller Coaster of Emotions.

Hmmm well i have no clue where to start. Life is amazing on one hand and horrible on another. Chris and I fall more and more in love by the second. I really think he is the one and we talk about moving in together at the end of the school year. I think that would be so amazing to live with him. He is perfect. We have so much fun together and he cares so much about me and appreciates every single thing about our relationship. I am so in love with him and I am the luckiest girl inthe world because of him and he makes me so so happy......and then there is the down side to my life. Basically all of thepeople who use to be my friends, are not. But im starting to realize I deserve better than them. I deserve a group of friends who want me to come along and people who do not talk bad about me behind my back. They all went to Vegas. Diana, Judy, and steph were the only onesw ho cared that I was not going. Everyone else could give a shit. When I heard Greg went i basically wanted to punch him so hard. He has changed so much. and I am so incredibly happy I moved on from him. I would be miserable if I were with him still and I thank God every day that I was not stupid and followed my heart. I knew I deserved better and I got it. He can have fun with trash....he'll never find someone as amazing as me and if he does, hopefully he treats her how she deserves. All those other people who use to be my friends, I'm over it. I will start new friendships. I am excited for my life and can't wait to graduate and meet more people and get out of camarillo. FUck all ofyou people who don';t appreciate the freindship i give you. I have true friends who care about me. And I know youre reading this...You knw who you are...I want to just tell you, No one has ever hurt me like you have....but karma is a BITCH. oh and P.S.- I hear its hard to remove blue glitter eyeshadow from shirts...gagme.
Now, big change of subject. Chris's dad and mom invited me to thanksgiving dinner at their house. I am so nervous. I want to bring a dessert or something so I'm not showing up empty handed but i am a horrible baker! I am attempting to make cookie bars and I did a test run of them a few minutes ago and they are not looking too good lol. So i might have to scratch that whole idea. Anyways, I love Chris. and I talk about him basically non stop. I got so fucking lucky. He is just PERFECT PERFET PERFECT for me. I guess you have to go through the rotten apples to get the good ones! And I think I got the best!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Honestly, why do i bother?

I try so hard to be nice and be a good person. But all these people who i thought were my friends think Im the bad guy because of "what I did to Greg". I think taht is so stupid. I feel Greg and I were both equally hurt in our situation and I feel it is so incredibly unfair that I look like I was the only one who did the hurting. I never wanted to hurt Greg and that day I hurt him I can never forget and it will crush me forever, but everyone thinks i hurt him on purpose. No one calls me. and when i make plans with them, they carry on the plans without me. I dont get a phone call from them when they do get togethers. Everyone is going to vegas. I want to go, and i am, but i am kind of forcing myself on to them. they say they dont want me in their car because i cause,,,, never in my life have i been the dramatic one. ever. but wahtever., Fuck, and i swear i think my roommate is stealing from me. I lost my neckclace that chris gave me, a bottle of lotion, 3 eyeliners, and now $80 from my wallet. That $80 was going to pay for vegas hotel and now i dont know if i can afford it. I setting up a webcam today to catch them. Im so furious i cant even express how mad I am. The other day I broke down crying when greg came over. He basically was saying how people think im the bad guy. Great. Me, the bad guy...i never thought i would be a bad guy. Ivfe always beeen a good girl. always. Well , im thinking i need a big change. Some new friends who don't think im a bad guy. Last night i stayed at Chance's house which is where Chris lives now. We all ate dinner together and went on a night bike ride and they were teaching me tricks. Thats the kind of fun i miss and im so happy i get to hang out with new people. I really love hanging out with them.. We started playing limbo in the backyard and we were lauhging hysterically. Fun without alcohol. thats what i miss. all my friends from school, all they do is get drunk. play beer pong, oh stuff....but not at all. Im excited to hang out with chris and his friends more but still sad that i am losing friendships that ive had all of college. Well, ill take things one day at a time. try and stay positive. I hope you are happy. i really do.

**One thing i wanna do before I die-go backstage at a live event.

Monday, October 12, 2009


And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Ya know, I try really hard to be a good friend. anytime i do something big i invite everyone. i dont understand why i dont get invited to go out with these people who act like my friends during the week. anne said she wanted to hang out, but then she goes out with everyone else. she didnt invite me. they all went to universal city walk to a thing called howl at the moon. it makes me hurt so bad like, what did i do not to get invited. greg always tells me its all in my head, but how is that in my head/? its not.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Someone You Use to Know.

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Some people are so typical

words can not express how incredibly pissed i am right now. ugh. this whole fucking week i had been asking greg if he wanted to play tennis and he always said maybe maybe maybe and last night he said probably so i was excited and now he is saying he is too tired to play but oh i guess hes not too tired to go to a fucking party. and it sucks because i guess i cant be mad because we arent together but thats still fucked up to do to someone who is supposedly your best friend. fuck that. im so pissed. greg if you are reading this then i hope you have fun getting drunk with brandy instead of playing tennis with a girl who has self respect. i just have to keep looking forward. 4 days 4 days. everything will be good in 4 days. fuck everyone else. i just need my baby. 4days.

Monday, September 21, 2009


It is sad to be left out. Thats how i have always felt. Ever since I was young. I never felt part of a group. Ive always wanted that. to just be a person that everyone calls. I feel like i lost greg and anne as my best friends. They hang out with eachother everynight with eddie and drew. and thats cool and all but i want to be there. i want to be a part of those roomies. I feel as if they could care less that im not there. I guess its this lonliness is getting to me. i had a long convo with sammy today. she feels how i do because her and eddie use to be besties but she at least has alex. i have no one. i feel so desperate begging people to hang out with me, makes me so sad i want to cry. I cant wait for Chris to be here because he will actually want to be with me. I want to feel wanted again. I hate that what I had before, is gone. and forgotten. and those people dont care. greg says that i dont know what im talking about. that we hang out a lot. i wish i could feel that way. i feel bad i cant see what he sees. it's just i guess i expect so much and get barely anything. :[
Anne greg drew and friends now. not me. :[ they are planning on having a group costume for halloween....not with me. they go on bike rides together. i sit here alone. ok i dont wanna depress myself so night.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Its cold.

Ive been procrastinating on my finance studying and hw all day. I got some done. I am so cold. Wish Chris was here to cuddle me. I am so excited for him to get back. Things will be so amazing. Ill have that one person who wants to be with me and that one person i want to be with. I want all of my friends to meet him, but i dont know how that is going to happen. I wanna invite some people to the crit race cause i love going to them. Diana said she for sure wanted to go so that would be cool. Man, all i want to do is going to bed and be all warm in my blankets! wow, um change of subject, i just got a msg from anne saying i cause drama in her house last week and she doesnt want that in her house. um. ok. next time ill fucking just leave. im so over this. i want Chris. I want him back :[

I dont know what is it

Sometimes Ijust dont get why I care so much. Why can't i let him be happy, the same way he has let me be happy. He was my best friend. until i realized thats not what he wants. he cant be my best friend. i love him. Im not in love with him but i do love him and he will always have a piece of my heart. he was my first love. my first everything. i want him to be happy, but its weird that its not me anymore that makes him happy. I guess it makes me sick to think that he will be looking into her eyes telling her she is the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on. or that he loves the way her skin feels or that her voice in his ears in her favorite. Im starting to not believe in love anymore. you can say "I iwll love you forver" and then the next saying it to someone completely different. i feel i love Chris i really do, but who is to say that feeling will last forver. I dont know what else to write here. but i do know there are a billion more thoughts running in my head.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I need to realize these things

I honestly am the luckiest girl. I know iknow all girls who are with their boyfriends think they are the luckiest, but really they have no clue. I have this guy. Chris. Who, in the small amount of time we have been together, has been the greatest thing that could happen to me. Everything I have ever wanted. he is.

he cooks
hes romantic
hes sexy
he takes charge, but still lets me when I want to
he is driven
hes smart
hes funny
he wants to go on adventures
hes in shape
he is just perfect.

Sometimes I forget this, because he is gone for so long. When he gets here it will all rush back to me. the second I am perfectly in his arms again. the second we get to kiss and the second we get to fall asleep together again. We have so many things we want to do when he gets back. Camping on the beach and finally sleeping under the stars! cooking dinner everynight. going to see district 9. romantic date on the Santa Monica Pier. Trips to Mammoth and SD and SF and Monterey. So many things I am excited to do and I cannot wait to do it with the ONE person I love. more than anything.


-One thing I want to do before I die-Have my dad walk me down the aisle.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Ugh, never again.

Well, that's it. I drink now. ugh. Im gonna puke thinking about it. My birthday was fun at candlelight. just my friends. no hangover. perfect. but last night....not OK. the night started out ok. Going to the bar with my friends for the first time. I met at Annes house and it was me greg anne drew eddie mike andrew. we tarted drinkign and dancing and it was super fun. but then we went to the bar. i was so drunk. when i got there we were having fun. my night turned sour when i saw Greg all over a girl who in my opinion is not the classiest, ironic considering I was the girl who was wasted in the bar.i dont even know why i should give a shit. i wasnt upset when greg told me about kaylani, but with this girl its different. i think it was the fact that he was doing it right next to me. anyways. we left the bar and walked home and i didnt get to sleep until 4am and woke up at 6am still completely drunk.i couldnt go to work and i couldnt go gto my internship. i was so nauseous. i then fell back asleep at 10 and woke up at 4 and went o carls jr. I am still not feeling very nice and I have a shit ton of hw i need to do. ugh. i really need chris to get back. this is too hard.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Wow, this was definitely my week

So this week a lot has happened. Last week I sent in my resume to the Fitzgerald Hartley Music Co. and on Tuesday I called them to see if they recieved it and he offered me an interview the next day! So then wednesday I went and met with Jamie Hartley and he was super nice and offered me the internship at the end of the interview! iw as so excited! Then I got a 9/10 on my finance quiz and then I aced my marketing quiz. oh! and last night i made friends! i hung out with the guys from across the hall and i did it all on my own which is scary but we had fun playing wii til like 12:30 but shit its been so hot. anyways thought i would update you. oh and im going to my first day of the internship at 2! eek im nervous! ok ok byeee

one thing i want to do before i die-Own a house

Friday, August 28, 2009


So school has started and not a lot has happened. My classes are ok. Something exciting that happened was Chris was able to come back for a couple of days after Utah instead of leaving straight to europe. So he stayed here with me for a couple of nights. I wish i didnt have class so i could have spent more time with him, but it was amazing when he was here. A couple of days ago when we woke up he turned to me and i could barely keep my eyes open until he said "baby...." and i looked up at him and he said the words" i love you." I cant explain the feeling i felt when he said that to me because i had been feeling the same way for a bit of time. it was perfect and i said it back. we cant say it enough now. but then he had to leave and it was hard. he is now in france racing and has no internet and it not able to call because its so expensive. this is going to be so incredibly hard but will be worth it when he is back. Besides that, i feel so extremely alone here. no one lives on campus except steph and i and steph is alwayssss gone. like always. i feel unwanted. i thought when i came to school greg and i would hang out so much more. yea, ok. He's just like everyone else now. i guess he doesnt have an obligation to hang out with me but i would think he;d want to considering we are "besties" yea, sure greg. i feel so different from everyone here. i need to find people who are like me. i spend probably 70% of my time in my room alone and 25% in class and the rest maybe i will hang out with someone. I went to the mall with judy anne eddie andrew and diana yesterday. we stayed for like 20 minutes it sucked. i dont know what the point was but i felt left out. anne said "i have been calling stephanie alllll week like a million times to see if she can hang out and she is always busy" all i could think was 'why hasnt she called me?' I dont know, im getting over it. very very much so. and now chris has no internet so we cant talk other than txt msg but he is gonna be racing so he can barely do that. maybe i should give him a little space. i dint know. im so lost. so sad. and so alone. if you are reading this, please come here and save me.


*** one thing i wanna do before i die- go to a psychic

Saturday, August 22, 2009

All moved in

So I moved in today to the dorms. It was stressful but greg was there to help me which was SOOOOO helpful. I was reallly happy he did that for me. I think i kind of had high hopes for this move in. I thought steph and i would be stoked to be living together. she didnt even stay the night tonight! our other roomie, whom we have never ever met or talked to, has not shown up. so i am alone in this apartment which is scary and no fun. after i moved evrything in my room, we went back to gregs house for a "kickback" aka party. I really just hate parties. I dont get the fun in standing around watching people play beer pong. I dunno, maybe im just lame, but i want someone here with me who will be lame with me. Greg didnt even hang out with me the whole time. I wish i could be more like him and not care about the situation but i cant help myself. I cant wait til Chris comes back. I am so excited to just finally be back with my baby. It will be fun to have sleepovers with him. We hve so much fun doing the lamest things i love it lol and we dont just sit around and watch tv all the time. its really great. man, i am tired tho. I left the party early and got to the dorms and took a hot bath. felt soo nice! but im gonna go to sleep now. Good Night.

****-one thing i wanna do before I die- have a song written and performed just for me.

(i dont knwo if i repeat these wanna do before i die things on here so cut me some slack)

Thursday, August 20, 2009


I dont know how to start this blog. I think i have too many thoughts in my head to even get them in order to blog about. moving to the dorms tmro. im excited but stressed out. its so stressful. ive been packing since about 8 and its weird. finding old pictures of greg and i and finding the rough draft of the "reasons why i love you" i made for him. i started to cry. its not that i have feelings for greg like that anymore and im really happy with chris but i think its like it was such a big part of my life and its all changed now and its just weird. like that person who you share so many moments with, is now just another person and youre just another person to them. i mean greg isnt just another person to me, he was my first love first for a lot of things. and he is still my best friend. He treats me like im just another person to him though ending our phone conversations with "see ya" or "ttyl". just different i suppose, something i need to get use to. i think ive been super emotinal lately. i really miss Chris and its so hard to stay happy when he is gone and at times i dont feel like he is feeling the same way although he comletely argues against that. (ps-this blog will prolly hve a lot of typos because my nails are super long) anyways, im very stressed and very sad that Chris is gone. Sometimes, he says the sweetest things though. He is always reassuring me that things will be better than ever once he is back. he promised me like he actually said "I promise you baby, things will be better than ever once im back with you" and i love to hear that. 40 days...its just uch a long time. Its too long i think. im so tired now though. Good night, you.


***Something i wanna do before i die- gandala ride in Italy.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Days need to fly by!

I havent blogged in awhile so i decided to do a quick one before i go back to sleep lol. Chris left on the 9th. It sucks so bad. I really miss him. Today is our 2 monthiversary. I wish we could celebrate it together. Right now he is in Utah training and then next week he is racing inthe Tour of Utah. Then, if he does well in the Tour of Utah, he is going to Europe on the 24th. We talk on the phone and skype ever night, but once he is in europe, then we wont be able to talk on the phone and skyping withh be more difficult because of the huge time difference. Its only a month but when you like someone so much, a month seems like a year. He said he will mail me postcards but those will take probably a week to get to me. Im so excited for him to be back already and he hasnt even left the country yet! lol. I cant wait to see him when he's back. He is thinking about doing the last two Thursday night Crits in Camarillo when he is back too which would be awesome because i loved watching him train. Its extremely impressive and I like cheering him on.

I move in to the dorms on friday. Went by pretty fast.l I cant believe its move in day already. 22 possibly 23 units this semester. gonna be crazy. hope i can hack it lol. im nervous but im not super worried. lsat semester i did 18 units and i didnt think it was bad at all. i never felt super stressed out or anything. i cant believe it is my last year in college. i feel like i just got here. it makes me sick to think that after this, it all realllly begins. Im so excited for the future and Im even more excited to spend my future with Chris. Its ridiculous, we have only been together for 2 months yet i feel this insane connection with him. we can just have the best time doing nothing. We literlly spent like and hour and a half playing with cheerios last week haha. just throwing them into eachothers mouths and seeing who could catch the highest throws. he is just the most fun and everytime we hang out we just have more and more fun. each time tops the last time we hung out. i can literaly sit here all day and talk about him but i dont want to bore who ever is reading this, if anyone even does read it! lol

im so happy and im so excited for life!!!!

Friday, August 7, 2009


OK so lately ive been so happy. Chris has been back and we hang out everyday of course. He's so sweet. we went to see 500 days of summer in santa barbara the other day and then we went to the beach and he showed off his skim boarding skills. then we went to carls jr for a portabella mushroom burger. so good! oh man and last night was soooooo fun! Maria and I went to Camarillo to watch chris race in the thursday night chris. he won of course haha. it was amazing to watch him race. i guess he is a pro for a reason. he was like 4 minutes ahead of the rest of the group. afterwards he was talking to the other riders and he waved me to come over. so we went over there and it was so cute. he introduced me to all of his friends and he was just so proud of me. it was adorable. he wasnt embarassed or anything. he was kissing me and holding me in front of everyone. i love it. im so proud of him and im so proud to be his. today we are going to the fair! we're going with Chance, Eric and Corey. they are all of Chris' friends. theyre all really cool so the fair should be a ton of fun. deep fried twinkies! woo lol. Chris is riding right now for 5 hours. i hated having to leave him at 730 this morning. we just wanted to cuddle all morning. i love waking up to someone who showers me with kisses and tells me im beautiful. he's so sweet. wow, so happpppy!!!!! ok, im gonna go. ill update my life later.byeee

Friday, July 31, 2009

One Day!

So Chris comes home tomorrow. I cant wait to run over to him and give him a big hug and kiss. This next week will probably be the best week of summer ever. Im so excited! SO SO excited! Nothing more to say other than that. :]

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Oh Baby!

Shiiiit I'm so excited for life and happy and excited. lol did i mention im excited? like, really. so today i had pretty much my last day of work for summer withthe exception of 2 days in the last week of summer. I was so excited. the day was kind of long but it could have been work. I was sad i couldnt talk to chris all day cause he was racing. He makes me so happy its ridiculous! lol Can't wait. only 2 days TWO DAYSSS! so rad. oh, and after work i went to get gas and the gas cashier hit on me lol. I was using my card outside and it said go see cashier so i went in and i was like " it said to seethe cashier" and he was like "yea..i did that on purpose.." i was like "heh.....eck.." and he continued to ask me about my day and eck. and then i met my mom dad and brother at carrows because we were celebrating joe passing the test to be a personal trainer! so awesome he finally passed. i hope h gets a job soon lol. tomorrow i get new glasses, im stoked. i really want colored frames, maybe purple or a dark olive green or something. we'll see what kind of selection they have. hmm what else. um, honestly i only wanna talk about Chris. what a cutie. Im really lucky, so incredibly lucky. ok well goodnight, you!


**8one thing i want to do before i die-do a Chinese fire drill on a freeway/highway.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Oh Snap. kind of pointless.

I miss Chris. so bad. its been 8 days since Ive seen him. Its horrible. but I am beyond excited to see him this saturday. Im happy i get to go with chance to pick him up from the airport. Im staying the night at his house on saturday night and he's gonna make me deep fried french toast! yum! i misssss himmmmmm ughhhhh. i just want to be with him always lol. it will be hard to not see him for 50 days but i know we will make it. we will both be so busy that time will fly by, i hope. I can't wait to see (500) days of summer. So excited. Ive heard good things about it, and it seems like my type of movie. Its "not a lovestory, but a story about love" Love it. Maybe Chris and I will see it in Santa Monica. Thatd be so fun. and then we can go on the ferris wheel with the whole city lit up. Sounds amazing.

So i missed work today. I was dyinggg from cramps which sucks but hopefully tmro will be better. the day goes by so much faster at work. so hopefully this week goes by fast and saturday gets here quicklyyyy!

man im running out of things to say in these blogs!
I guess Ill go now.

**one thing i want to do before i die-visit all 50 states.

Fuck You,

mother nature.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Just some thoughts and updates

Man, I hate this! I dont get to see Chris for another week. and it is so hard. I miss him like craZy. He's so sweet though. we skype pretty much everynight but i get kind of mad when he has to leave but he has to go to sleep so he can race. and ill txt him like "no goodnight txt, fine. :\" and i know im being a brat but i just want one and so i did that last night and he called me and he was like i was brushing my teeth, but im constantly thinking about you. I have to start realizing that he really likes me because he really spends all of his extra time talking to me. i think its so precious that he always calls me to make sure im ok and not upset even a little bit.

i went shopping today, i bought a shirt a tube top a dress 2 flowers for my hair slip slops and i got my eyebrows done which was all awesome! i love shopping lol i cant wait til i have like a career and i can afford more stuff haha. ive been so excited for the future. i was talking to chris about when he gets back from europe in october, and i was telling him how im so excited to cook dinner with him and have sleepovers and just everything that will be amazing and he said the cutest thing he said "I love how you plan your future with me in it" and that just melted my heart, greg hated when i would plan even a week in advance. I told chris i was a cat named Maru and a dog named Lucy and he said "someday we can get that" he's just perfect. i see this going far and im excited for everything.

after i went shopping i went to Marias moms house with maria to have an early dinner and roy, maria's mom's boyfriend, could not stop talking about chris lol. Roy is a cyclist also so he was thrilled i was dating chris lol. he asked me sooooo many questions i had no idea the answers to. but he had heard from fellow cyclist in ojai that chris is an amazing guy, which i knew already! im just so proud to call him my boyfriend. i literally just wanna talk about him or to him all day long lol. we are going camping on the 2nd. camping on the beach. so excited! and i get to go with Chance to pick him up from the airport. im really really falling for him. i cant wait to just be with him again. so excited. so happy. oh! and when he gets back hes gonna make me deep fried banana bread french toast. doesnt that sound soooo good?! oh man, yum well im rambling, so im gonna go lol bye :]]

***one thing i wanna do before i die- see Niagara Falls

ps- i have over 1,100 views...who reads this? lol I love you if you do <3

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Last Day

ok, so, today is the last day i get to see chris until the 1st :[
Im so excited for him though. he is racing in Oregon at the nationals. I know he'll do great. I wish i could go. His family invited me to drive up with them but i have work. ugh. i wish i could get it covered but getting 4 days covered is NOT easy. When he gets back we are going camping at the beach with kim john and Chase and possibly nichole and ben. It will be so fun. We are gonna go fishing off the pier and actually camp under the stars this time lol. and more hot dogs and smores! yum!

yesterday we wanted to go camp to two trees in Ventura but couldnt find how to get onto the property because its private. so we hiked at Arroyo Verde Park instead. he thinks we hiked like 2 miles but it just didnt seem that far. we were pretty much climbing straight up a mountain it was ridiculous lol we had to climb over a fence to get back into the park and chris helped me over it was cute. then we laid on the grass and ate sandwiches he made. afterwards, being the fatasses we are, we went to the habit for some more food lol. i always finish eating before him. i need to start eating slower beucase i get so full so quickly i hate it. then we tried for a 3rd time to rent pee wees big adventure but no one has it. so lame! Chris neeeeds to see that movie. then we went to his house and watched waiting lol because we dont have the attention span to watch gran torino. he is picking me up in about half an hour so we can have a daytime sleepover. i am so happy. so incredibly happy.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

One Month

So it was Chris and my one monther yesterday and it was amazing from start to finish. he picked me up at my house and gave me a single pink rose he picked from the garden. it was beautiful and adorable that he picked it himself. we had to go back to his house cause he forgot something and then we were off! he had a cooler packed with hot dogs and i was so excited. we went shopping for nicholes gift and i just have so much fun with him. he could care less who is watching us but he swing me around and plays with my hair and kisses me in the middle of the aisle! i love it! and then we went to the state park and he set up this whole picnic and it was so cute he started pulling placemats out and glass plates and then he pulled out champagne glasses out and we had cherry coke in champagne glasses. after a lovely picnic we went in the car and he said i have one more thing for you and he pulled out a boxand i opened it and it was a chocolate fugde poptart and under it was a beautiful heart necklace and it was so sweet that he went and picked it out for me. for our one month. i dunno hes just when we kiss we do like a million kisses at a time but we are like smiling the whole time its so funny. so then after that we went back to his house and talked with his family and little then watched jeux d'enfants which is one of my favorite movies ever and he loved it as much as i did and i love that he knows french because he teaches me words. its awesome. it was so hard leaving him last night, i just wanted to stay there forever with him. this morning he called me at like 9 and asked if he could see me once he dropped off his bike to be fixed. he got here around 10 and i was so gross but he said i was beautiful. yea right. but we hung out and i taught him how to read guitar tabs and he serenaded me lol. but he had to leave at like 5 because he needed to ride for 5 hours. i cant wait to see him tomorrow. im so happy. never thought id be so happy. its an amazing feeling. today he was looking at me and i said "what are you doing, youre laughing at me" and he said "no...Im appreciating you" that was so amazing. i cant complain not one bit about him. i have nothing to complain about. hes perfect. everything ive always wanted and everything i need. Im so happy. i cant wait for the months to come :]]

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

So fun and So happy

Amazing, this is amazing. Chris is amazing. life is amazing. he tries to make every second we are together special. its adorable. The other day he asked if i wanted to see bruno. After the movie, instead of just being bored and going home we went to walk at the beach. we then explored the hotel that use to be the holiday inn. we went all the way up to the top and snuck into a banquet room and had an amazing view. He just held me as we watched ppl from below. then we wanted to take the stairs all the way down and it was fun, we would chase eachother and he would want me near him, it was adorable. then we walked on the beach to look at a seal that was on the beach. it wasnt dead it was adorable. then we went back to his house and his dad bought us sushi and we had dinner with his dad. his parents love me which makes me so happy. yesterday Chris and i went to the beach after his ride. we spent 4 hours just lying in the sand together. i got soooo burnt! ugh. but it was so funny. everytime we tried leaving he would pull me back down to sit in his lap in the sand. we wrestled in the sand and was almost able to push chris into the water. it waa hilarious. so cute. i love that he ist afraid to be playful with me in public. he said he wants to show off how cute i am :] god hes so cute. we went back to his house and he made me a steak salad which was delicious. then we watched the craft and cuddled all night. his parents let me stay the night there which was awesome. they are so nice. tomorrow is our one monthiversary and chris said he has been thinking about what he wants to do for it. im curious to see what he comes up with. Soph called me today and aske me if i would work tmro morning so i said yes. it will pass the time tmro while chris is on his ride. so excited for everything right now. i love the direction life is going. woo!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Life and Vlogging

So the other day Chris and I celebrated 4th of july together on the 7th since he wasnt here on the 4th. We made homemade ice cream, made a campfire, cooked hot dogs and smores and played apples to apples with his family. oh and his mom bought us extra fireworks so his sister and her bf put on a fireworks show for us. it was really fun. we slept out on the hammock at night but it got uncomfortable at 2am so we just went inside and slept. it was nice waking up with him at like 8 and we just kissed and played and tickled and it was just fun spending the morning in our pjs together. but then we had to go cause i was going to hang out with steph and dia later on in the day. So i was driving to camarillo to meet them and my car started shaking reallllllllly bad on the freeway. i freaked out so bad i had to get off as soon as i could. i parked in chiipotle parking lot and called them to see if theyd pick me up. but they didnt feel like driving the extra 15 min to come hang out with me...awesome. i called chris and greg and was almost crying to both of them. so dumb. Chris wanted to come pick me up but i thought iwas unnecessary. he stayed on the phone with me while i drove the back roads home. i made sure to stop at carls jr for a milkshake so my trip wasnt completely pointless lol. so lame. then chris came over later that night and we watched some home videos of myself lol. yesterday he took me on a date. we went to see the hangover and got the habit afterwords. tha hangover was hilarioussssss lol i loved it. ohh and the habit was so good. Chris, knowing how much i hate flying things, thought it would be hilarious to feed the pigeons lol. they got so close and he threw a fry under my chair and i freaked lol it was so funny. after that he came over to my house and we just hung out we had sooo much fun. hes adorable. and he is just incredibly sexy lol its ridiculous. i love how playful he is. we have so much fun lol. so today i am going swimming with cheanno in their kiddy pool lol. i hope they dont pee in it eck. and then chris and i will hang out again after his ride. i told him to ride early today so he left at like 10. should be done around 3 which is perfect.

oh! about my vlog! i almost forgot lol. im gonna start vlogging on youtube and part of my vlog will be me doing things that are on my list of things i wanna do before i die. and then rest will be me rambling on about random crap going on. telling stories, and maybe a couple of tutorials. but i dont know what i want my youtube name to be. have any suggestions? comment me if you have any ideas! im gonna go downstairs. bye <3

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Finally Happy. wow.

Its incredible to be at this point again. No more nights of crying. no more car rides with random breakdowns. just laughing and loving life again. I miss Chris. He is racing in Massachusetts until monday. He's going to win i bet, cause hes amazing :]
we have so much fun together. we dont stop laughing. we cant even watch movies or tv because all we do is talk. I still have no idea what happened during "yes man" lol
he is so sweet. when he gets back we are gonna have our own little fourth of july because he knows its my fav holiday and he was sad that he had to miss it. he wanted to do it on the night he gets back from Mass but i want him to be well rested so we are doing it on tuesday. We are gonna set up cots in his huge backyard and camp under the stars and roast hot dogs and make s'mores. and he had his mom buy some extra fireworks for us so we will have those too. omg i am so excited for that! oh and this weekend is gonna be amazing. i am working today til 6 then tmro morning i am finishing my grandpas book and then heading over to camarillo to hang out with greg drew and eddie and maybe anne if she is there. Im excited to see evryone. it has been way too long. then saturday we might go to ventura for some street fair. and ltos of hot dogs!!! then sunday is MAGIC MOUNTAIN! i am way excited. last time i went was senior ditch day. geez that was a long time ago. im surprised our group of friends in college havent gone yet. 3 years and have never dnoe a trip there. weird, maybe everyone was too busy getting wasted, fuck they're cool... haha
i cannot wait for chris to get back. he was also thinking we might head up to mammoth again. thatd be fun. i loved spending time with him there. so happy :]]

ok so i tried posting this this morning but it wasnt letting me so i copied it so i could post it now. so i guess i will tell you how my day went.
work was dfljkdshfa lame. as always. oh but Toby (my aunts dog which ive been dogstting for) was actually nice to me today. hes usually the devil, but he let m pick him up and everything. yea so work was ok, Russell is such a jerk to me sometimes. he said i looked like a salsa dancer today. whatever. and maria can be a brat sometimes cause she liek talks crap to him about me and they have a good laugh. eck, anyways. oh! so Chris got 23rd in the time trial today which he wasnt too happy about but thats out of 170 riders! which i thought was pretty amazing to get 23rd. He hasnt raced in over a month tho so he thinks that might have something to do with it. man, im exhuasted from today. aunt angela cheanno and jesse got back from their ny/florida trip. aunt angela got me a neclace from my cousins jewelry party thing. it was nice of her.
oh so tmro im gonna be gregs twin. it will be funny. ok well im falling asleep night.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

BLOG Vomit

Basically, a lot has been going on. On tuesday Chris took me to Mammoth to stay at his family's cabin they have up there.It was so much fun. the first night we went to a look out spot and just looked at all of mammoth then he made me steak and salad for dinner which was delicious. Then on wednesday we went hiking and fishing at horseshoe lake, and we also went to see a waterfall. Then we went to a hot spring which chris said was usually crowded but there was no one person there and it was sooo beautfiul because it was like this random hot spring in the middle of now where and we were surrounded by mountains and it was just really pretty. Then later that night we put a matress ouside and watched the stars i the deck outside. we saw shooting stars and they were HUGE. Oh and that morning while, chris was gone on his ride, i went downstairs to watch some seinfeld and he left me a little note on the counter it was adorableeee it said how he loved being there with me and how he wanted to stay and extra night.; then he came back from his ride with hot cocoa for me. and i decieded i wanted to stay an extrta night so i could meet his cousins. thenon thursday around like 11 we went kayaking and the weather was perfect and i got burnt but i am tan now. and so i met his cousins and they are so sweet! i really liked them both. chris is leaving on tuesday for Massachusetts whcih sucks but he will only be gone for a week. I hope he does well in his race. lets see, on the 4th of july im going to eddie greg and drews new house and i am so excited to see it and i am excited becaus ei love 4th of july and i love hot dogs and i loveeeeee fireworks. and then! on the 5th , we are going white water river rafting which i am superrr nervous about but excited too. fuck i am rambling so much. anyways. IM STARVING i want carls jr. so badly. well im gonna go to sleep. night

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Its Facebook Official

So last night Chris asked me to be his girlfriend. I am so excited, he is so adorable. He is always holding me so tight and playing with my hair and telling me stories. Im excited to see what is to come. He has to leave at the beginning of August for two months which makes me really sad, but its his job so nothing that can change that. I am just happy to spend the time with him for the summer up until he has to leave. So happy and so excited :]]

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Moving on...

Moving on has to be one of the weirdest things ever. Its like just the weirdest feeling in the world. I always thought we'd be in love forever like i would think about what kind of house we'd live in and our wedding and kids names. He never talked about that with me so i guess that should have been a sign lol. idk, It kills me to hurt him to badly. He never cries, and now its all he does, because of me. I wish i could take that pain away from him. I hate that he thinks about me with Chris and theres nothing i can say to him. Last night Chris came over, he wanted to talk. it was really nice of him to come over after i put him in the middle of everything. I dont want to talk about chris because , Greg, I knwo you are reading this. I dont want to hurt you ok?

Im stuck, but life has to go on for both of us.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

really hard night.

greg txted me today. all these things he had been saying made me see a change in him and i had to give him another chance. he drove down the second i said he could which is what i always wanted him to do. he was saying all the right things, everything i always wanted to hear from him, so why didnt i feel head over heels? i wanted to so badly. i called chris and told him i could only be his friend. i told him this because i wanted to be in love with greg so badly. but i couldnt. watching greg cry for hours is the hardest thing in the world to do. i never wanted to hurt him, i wanted to love him. i never wanted it to end like this. Im so sorry.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I Should Be Happy

I hate what i did. i hate how everything happened. things were going good with greg and i, he talked about how things would be different, yet i was nervous because things can change for a little but in the long run go back to how they have been. we met at chipotle. Just looking at him, i knew i was in love. i kissed him. he held me. it was so perfect feeling. when i got in the car i called chris to tell him i dont want to go on the second date. that night, i couldnt sleep. thinking how i regret not going on the date, anda lways gonna think 'what if'. i wanted to go on the date to see how it was to be with someone else, to see if greg really was as perfect with me as i thought. it broke my heart to tell greg that it was what i needed to do. so chris and i have no hung out about 5 times or something i never had that tingly i like you feeling until last night. we watched Yes Man, but didnt watch much of the movie, and not because we were making out (we didnt even kiss) but because we talked the entire movie. non stop. we joked and laughed and told stories. it was fun. when i got home, i told greg that i like chris and that makes me sick to have to tell him that. He says all this stuff about how he loves me still and how he doesnt want to be with other girls ever, but i cant help but think in my mind, 'then why the fuck arent you here fighting for me'. he claims he has no balls to do that. I think if you love someone and are about to lose them, youd grow balls as quickly as possible. I dont think its an excuse. when we first broke up about a month later we tried things again, and he didnt even care. i would call him and he would never answer, it was as if we werent even going out. it was like we were forced together. that was his chance. I basically had to break up for us both because he just didnt care about it and i could tell. when summer began we talked everyday pretty much, we were becoming friends again. i think thats stupid
to have to work on becoming friends again to be in a relationship. you shouldnt have to try that hard to be something. i knew i wanted him but he never made me feel like he wanted me. seems like the second i started dating chris, now hes telling me all these hidden feelings which would have made me not date chris in the first place.
im constantly sick from all this. Always sick to my stomach. A couple nights ago it was Chris's birthday and he said we could hang out that night, so i got all ready to hang out and he ended up calling me late and i was mad. he felt like a jerk, he called me at like 1:30am asking if he could see me that second, if he could drive over to see me and apologize in person. I remember one night i think during winter break, i hadnt seen greg in a few weeks and he was in hueneme again. i told him i needed to see him. it was about 10pm. i told him ineeded him as i was crying on the phone on the floor. and all he could say was "we can work this out on the phone, its too late to drive there"...he let me lay down and cry the rest of the night, without him. THAT was his chance. THOSE NIGHTS were his chances. I dont know what else to say. Im going to just take life day by day and see what happens. I cant predict the future and thinking about it makes me nauseated.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I hope I didnt make a mistake.

ok, well, lemme just tell you i guess. The past few days have been weird. I got asked out on a date. I told the guy i would like to hang out with him but not be a date he said yea. So he picked me up and we went to the movies and got ice cream, he paid....well, it was a date. I had fun,but i felt guilty for having fun. Greg and i had been trying to work on things for the past two weeeks but i think things were going too slow for me because i felt greg just didnt want me right now, and that hurt. So that night, the guy asked me on a second date, i told him idk yet because i had to talk to greg. The next night i met with greg at chipotle in ventura. I had high hopes that he might consider it a date and pick mee up and pay and be all sweet, but he didnt. i mean he was sweet, as he always is, but idk, i felt like i was forcing it all. forcing him asking me on a date, forcing a kiss, forcing everything. idk, so then i guess we settled that he would ask me on a date in a couple of days. we left that night just fine. it was the drive home that killed me. i called chris to decline the date and deep down i felt sad and felt as if i would miss out on something if i didnt see what was out there. i couldnt sleep all night, all i could think about was how regretful i was and how i knew i couldnt go on a date with greg knowing how i felt about declining the date. today was the worse though. having to tell greg that i felt i needed to go on a date with someone else, made me beyond sick to my stomach. i cried and cried but realized if its meant to be then it will be and i truely believe that. i dont want greg to never give me a chance again if i realize that we really were perfect for eachother, but i need to see if that is true. so, chris asked me on a date for tmro night and i accepted. we are going to a restaurant on maint st. in ventura. im so awkward at restaurants with people i barely know idk how much ill like that. so awkward with paying and all that. i am saying idk a lot, i feel like im regretting all THIS now, but i just know that this is what i have to do. test the waters. i wish life were easier sometimes. i guess ill blog about it after i go. im gonna give this some time. let things take their course. we will see. Everything will be okay in the end, and if they arent okay, then its not the end.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Life update

So, Greg and i have been talking for about 3 days now and have yet to be in one argument, other than the fact that he bailed on me last night for a late night talk :\
that's ok though, he has no obligation to me.
so some things going on right now. We finally got our renter out of the house. we had him evicted on friday. Its unbelievable what he did to our apartment. The place was A MESS. pot leaves were everywhere! alllll over the balcony and inside the house. So sad that he had children living with him up there. He had porn cards for like hookers on his desk with condoms and lube right next to them. so disgusting. and the toilet was clogged and ugh, its just a horrible mess. Its so sad to watch my mom cry because they spend the rest of their money on that all to be destroyed by a guy who had no consideration and never paid the rent. At least he is gone now.
So my job, i was so excited for it but now im just worried i wont be making money so i might be going back to the rec dept for a second job. I ran into Sophocles at the mall and he said anytime i want to go back I can. I dont know, i dont want to just ruin this oppurtunity but im really in need of money. My mom said our house is going to be foreclosed probably in July. I dont know what we are gonna do but i desperatly need money. We'll see how things go. :\
Things have just been really bad lately, Im waiting for them to get good.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Hopefully, Im sick of hearing that word.

This blog is basically turning in to a break up diary and i hate that. when i strted it i was so happy. breakups should not last 3 months. everyone i talk to says "get it through your skull, if he wanted you he would be with you" and i kind of believe it but i believe what hes saying too but i just dont understand it because i know when i want somehting i will be doing everything in my power for it to happen. so its summer vacation now, im back home. i have no friends here and the kids in hueneme who i thought i was close to dont call and ask me over. i feel bad that im so bitter that everyone is having so much fun, but i get jealous when i hear about everyones night and how awesomeeee and EPIC it was while i was sitting at home crying my eyes out. again. idk, i figure my life is sucking sooo hard this year that something AMAZING has to be thrown my way soon yea? fuuck, im talking to a friend right now and literally all she can say is "i cant believe how much fun last night was" and "omg last night was epic you have no idea" cool,. well, um
fuck it.
and now i have to start work, that im not even getting paid for hourly. so theres another thing that fucking sucks. and also the fact that tuition got raised by 10% and now i owe $200 added on the the $2000 i just paid, and now literally my bank account is at $0, hmm so lets think about my plans for this weekend....friday i work, saturday sunday im cleaning the entire house for my mom. wow im so fuck awesome its sickening.

this was the song i was balling my eyes out to last night.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Who am I kidding?

I'm so in love
ok, so ive come to the conclusion that i have to move on. I never really thought about moving on completely because i assumed we would get back together, but i cant force someone to be in love with me. if he realizes that he loves me still, then i dont know, but as of right now, things are quite over. Summer will be good for us because we wont see eachother and we'll both be busy working and whatnot. i have to just respect the fact that he doesnt want a relationship. we both want different things. We'll see where this takes us.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


I have 960 views on this and no one ever comments. Im curious, who reads this?? Comment here if you are reading this right now! thanks


Friday, May 1, 2009


I am so just fed up with all of this shit. i hate stupid bitches who do shit to just be bitches. i hate girls
i hate boys
i fucking hate this shit. im so much better than all this. cant wait until summer. hopefully ill meet some decent people. I just dont understand why the fuck she has to say shit to him. she never said anything to him before, now all of a sudden she sparks a fucking interest in him? fuck that
whatever its him too, never invites me although I'm his "best friend" ha yea ok. cause i really believe that. i dont understand what hes thinking, when hes sitting htere at a party at his house with her sitting by his side instead of me. what the fuck is going through your head. makes me sick. the idea of any other girl by his side. ugh fuck ew. whatever i hope she knows that he has no interest in her. and if he does, then fucking have fun with that shit, so gross. if you need time to figure stuff out, does that really require you to get drunk with stupid bitches who are constantly on top of you? does it? i dont think so. how would you feel if i was getting drunk late at night with a guy. i dont think youd like it much. but who fucking cares. we're not together so dont worry about me. dont worry about me at all. Ill be fine, its you who has to worry about finding someone who will never be better than me,.in any way.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Its not complicated anymore

So I guess i kind of ended it again. I think its just the fact that If he doesnt know whether he wants me or not, thats an obvious sign. I deserve a guy who knows that he loves me and knows he wants to be with me someone who CANT be without me. whatever i know theres someone out there for me. im done crying over this. Greg if youre reading this im sorry, good luck finding someone better. really.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

hi again.

It been awhile huh?
Ive been so busy. Life update. I have no idea what Greg and I are considered. I suppose the best way I can describe it is "Its complicated". I never knew what that meant before. I want to be there as a best friend but i feel as if he doesnt even give me a chance to do that. I call him to just talk about my night or hear about his night and i leave a msg but i never get a call back. I dont know. I cant get mad though because maybe he is still thinking. Its just the weirdest thing, trying to fix something that I have no control over and theres nothing I can do to fix it. :\
Its the hardest thing. School is coming to an end. about 3 weeks left. As my best friend, I dont want to not hang out with him that much because over summer we probably wont see eachother as much as it hurts to say that. I hope nichole stays in Ojai this summer. It would keep me distracted from this all because its hard when I have so many nights alone here and no one at all to talk to. except myself. ew how depressing. Lets change this all around. Im gonna talk about the things that are going alright right now. Last night I hung out with a friend I met in my econ class. We went to a kind of punk show tht her boyfriend was playing in. I met a lot of her friends. everyone was so nice and so hilarious. I had a lot of fun. hmmm...OH! I got my car fixed :] Makes everything so much better. Just knowing that Im not restricted to stay here anymore. Not much else i suppose :\
keep you updated. bye

**One thing I want to do before I die-see a television show be filmed live.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Its not hard to do something special

yet, it would shock me for him to even answer the phone.

i use to say i feel alone in a crowded room. Now there is no crowd. just loneliness. I only need one person to be here to make me feel complete. Sure, watch your baseball and do your homework, go to bars and drink, but why not call me to tell me you miss me? maybe im asking for too much. Maybe hes just not that into me anymore. what can i do? have any advice?
everyone seems to get what they want. not me. never really. i always thought good things happen to good people. maybe my day hasnt come yet. i have to remind myself that things will get better for me. I will be with people i love and with people who love me back. im sick of this scene. im sick of being talked about because of choices i make. im sick of feeling unloved by people who claim to love me the most. im thankful yet i cant help but be so sad. sad that i cant convince him to spend the night with me over going to a bar. ok. im done.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


So I have some good news. Greg and I have been back together now since the 22nd. He asked me out again and i couldnt be happier. So let me update you a little bit on how my life has been since then. School is getting so intense. I have about 3 20 page papers due 4 group projects essays homeworks exams ughhh its getting hard. I cant wait for the semester to be over. Oh! and i got a new job too. Max's dad hired me at his advertising company. I am basically going to be a crazy insane baller this summer. He said he could get me a salary by summer! woah.! lol and that job will also count as an internship at school so i am so excited i get to get paid while get school credit for it. Man, one more year of collge is so scary to think about, but i feel like i am heading inthe right direction with this new job. It will look great on resumes when I start applying at production companies in LA. Max's dad said he knows a lot of people too so im sure he could hook me up with some connections. Its exciting. I made my schedule of classes for next semester. 21 units. ew. yea. lets see what i have
-Business Drug Discovery
-Business Statistics
-Intro to Marketing
-history of business
-and the internship class

Im going to die! haha thats so crazy. Im taking 18 units this semester and i feel like its a huge workload. Well we will see how it turns out.

so now lets talk about greg and i. Hes so cute. I just love him
we havent had a lot of time to really just hang out because of school and now easter and everything but i hope in the summer ill have a car that runs and i can visit him and he can visit me. I really want to become closer with his family and i want my family to get to know him. Long distance relationships are so hard. i feel like i am missing out on knowing a HUGE part of his life. but i am excited about getting to know them better. Anyways, til next time. <3

**One thing i want to do before i die- receive a room full of flowers.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

So. Yes.

Spring break so far. getting better.
last night i went to the chumash with max and vince. i lost like $30 lol
im so bad but it was a really fun night. my mom was freakinggg out about me going to far so late. but eventually she was ok....kind of lol
and today i went to the mall with Anne. I really miss hanging out with her. I bought 2 shirts and a vest. Oh i love them!. i wish i had a ton of money lol.ok well thought id just say a little about my day so far. ill keep you updated.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I Wish

I just wish he missed me the way i miss him.
I try and distract myself but find myself constantly checking my phone for txts or missed calls from him. I dont know how to get over this. and i dont want to because i want to still be with him. I just want him to come around. Greg I miss you. Youre my best friend. I miss our late night talks and napping with the tv on and even walking in on you wearing your dorky headset. I miss it all. I miss the feeling i got when I came back from class andyou were in my room already. I miss you txting me good morning everyday and I miss going to fast food places with you and i miss our trips to target and i miss you tucking me in. I miss everything. I know you miss me too. Im not letting this go until you tell me to.

Spring break is ok. Yesterday i went out with aunt angela cheanno my mom and jesse. cheanno and jesse make me both never want children. Then at night i hung out with maxi pad and vside. We went to in n out and to see confessions of a shopaholic. Serves them right for pressuring me into picking what we do lol. Oh and Max said he could possibly get me a job with his dad this summer. Im nervous though. I know nothing about advertising lol. and it would be sad to leave the rec dept because i love them so much but I have to really start thinking about a career and my ufture and i think this will be a really good start. We will see what i have to do and how much i get paid. Anyways, KIMBO is back . i love her. i cant wait to see her at her party on saturday. I am so excited to see everyone there. wish greg were going with me :[
When we were going out i told him for the party he should be "strong man" and wear a unitard with tennis balls in the arms....he proceeded to tell me how he didnt need tennis balls....I kissed him :[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
I miss him. Greg you are a strong man without tennis balls and would be just way too cute in a unitard lol

ok well today I am going to my grandparents house. I havent seen them in a long time so it will be good. I think they should have their own tv show. They are insane lol. Not your typical grandparetns. ok well Im gonna go shower and get ready. Bye

and basically i have had this on repeat for the past month.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Spring Break Starting Off Strong!

So. Forget everything i said. i dont even remember what i said. im sure it was something along the lines of greg and i are prolly getting back together. obvi he doesnt want me. its been about a month. i should really fucking face it. He came over today to help me move some of my things and jump my car.....turns out my car is COMPLETELY dead. so it didnt jump and now im carless and now my mom has to come pick me up from college. lovely. Spring break is going to be amazing, but not at all because i will have no tv and most likely no internet. I will sit in my room and cry over the fact that i dont have greg anymore. Makes matters worse when i have no friends in ojai anymore. great. woo pring break 09. FUCK MY LIFE.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Life Changes.

Basically this blog of mine has been so debbie downer lately. I think i need to make a few changes in my life. i need to not sweat the small stuff (kim i need that book!) I really think i let little things get to me and ruin my mood. I think i need to start doing things on my own. Instead of complaining that ihave nothing to do, then going out and finding something to do. I dont know. Anways. my bestie comes back soooooon! I cant wait for her birthday where i can see both besties! at the same time! omg! bestie overload!! awesome. I love them. Kimbo i got my mime costume. Its kinda.....risque. im nervous. i want your opinion on it. Anyways. Cant wait to see you!

now, for greg and i.
We, i believe, are going to get back together. He just wants me to be happy. I think if i make my life changes i will be happy. I want to be happy with him. Hes so perfect for me. Like we have so much fun together when i dont bring down the mood or get in an arguement over something stupid. Anways last nigt we went to panda express and his fortune cookie said something like "you will take a risk on a desicion you have been needing to make" WOW CREEEEEPY
THEN! mine said "a wish will be granted soon" WTF. haha we were laughing so hard. because it was so weird. Well, Im gonna go study for the midterm i should have studied for yesterday lol.
Bye. and ILOVE YOU!

***one thing i wanna do before i die-have the ULTIMATE food fight.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Too Good To Be True.

I am such a fucking idiot to think for a second he wanted me again. I'm am embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I'm not worth anything. fuck this all. I want it all to be OVER.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

HAPPY!...thats a word i havent used in awhile!

Sooo let me tell you a story.eeek im so excited and happy right now!
ok so yesterday i invited greg over to watch borat. so he came over and we sat on the bed but far from eachother. i could help it so i started to scoot a little closer. i could tell i was making him nervous but that def did not stop me. so i got really close to his face and told him to kiss me....all he could say was idk, idk this is a hard story to explain. ill get to the point. after asking him to kiss me a few seconds later he just grabs the back of my neck and pulls me close to him and kisses me. probably the most romantic kiss of my lifetime. so we are still in limbo but we are getting close to normal. this story is not as cool as it was in real life. anyways. casino today! yessssssssss. i hope i win!'


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Fuck Loneliness

I don't even know why i try. or bother.
no hope
no friends
no invites
whatever. ill have to be content with being alone.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Whyyy does it feel like Im back in high school. In fact, I dont think I even had this much drama in high school ever. Everyone i feel is so fake. talk shit behind everyones back the second they leave the room then act like their bestie the next minute. Makes me wonder what they think about me. Although i did hear part of what they talk about me. Apparently they say im boring because i dont drink but honestly haha that makes me laugh because how embarassing is it to think someone is lame because they dont not the way wasting hours throwing a dirty ping pong ball into a red cup. FUCK I WISH I WERE THAT COOL.....but not at all. I wanna be with my besties who dance in the streets and dress up and have fun no mattttter what. Fuck Fakes. They'll be bored once they are out of college and realize they are boring people. Ill still be dancing. Fuck i hate girls.

Anyways, now the situation with Greg and I. So we kinda talk now. Only through txts. which i hate. only little things like whats up which i hate. I havent seen him in a week. which i hate also. I guess hes moving on. I should too. :[
I dont want to:[

Alright well....still broken hearted.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I still just don't feel right....

So Greg and I are now talking again. Long story. We are friends and will stay that way I suppose. I'm happy we are friends because I really just think we are so good together, not only as boyfriend/girlfriend but just as friends too. Freshman year was the best time of my life because of him so it should be good. Its weird though, I still have a really sick feeling in my stomach. I dont know. I guess thats normal. I just feel like a huge part of me is missing and I dont know how to fill it. I guess time can only heal this feeling. I wish i could fast forward to Summer. Well, i have to go finish reading for a group meeting i have at one.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I finally smiled today

Wow. Ok,. so today went nothing like i thought it would. As you may have read in my blog from this morning, i thought i was going to LA to see a movie and a possible wrestling show. Well, on our way to the movies in LA i said we should go to the imax theater at city walk and then just go to universal instead. This ofcourse was a joke and i say it everytime we go to LA or pass Universal studios. Well vince got off the exit to universal and i was like reallly confused. So I was excited they changed their mind and wanted to see the movie at city walk. we get to city walk and we are eating at panda express when max goes downstairs to pick up the tickets on will call. So i figure they had it all planned since the tickets were on will call at the thater in city walk. Max comes back upstairs and hands up each a piece of paper. I assume its the movie ticket and i put it in my purse. Then max asks "Do you want your movie ticket also?" I was really confused at this point because he had just given it to me. He then tells me to read the paper he just gave me. Turns out, he actually got me a ticket to universal studios! and we were gonna go! OMG I was so excited! ok and i just wrote out the rest of this blog and my amazing story but it got deleted and didnt save. so just know, the moral of the story is i had a lot of fun today. the end

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Almost Midnight Rant

So I just got out of the shower and thought i would do a quick blog before i went to sleep. I'm pretty sure this past week and a half has been one of the most roller coaster times of my life. I think i have learned a lot about myself throughout it though. It makes me still sick to think of how you talked to me that night, but I am proud that i am strong enough to not crawl back. You were my rock. The one person i felt was there for me in my time of need. The other night, you just reminded me why i did what i did. Even as my friend, you let me suffer as you play your games. I hope that you realllly think about your loss. because trust me, its a BIG one. I hope you can find someone half as good as i am. good luck, you'll need it. Even as a friend, i was always there for you and i know i never would have left you how you left me. Think about it. Now, lets change the subject shall we? Tomorrow I am going to LA with Maxi Pad and VsideVince to see Watchmen in an Imax theater. I'm excited. Ive only seen one Imax movie before aand it was some lame canadian rock climbing movie. After the movie, i suppose we are going to some wrestling thing but i dunno, i just go along for the ride. Im exciteddd. Fuck but after tomorrow, its going to be a hell weekend. Lets see what my plans are for the week. I have readings i need to read, a movie i need to watch, an 8 page Lit/Bus paper, a presentation, a midterm, and an economics test all due next week. Once next week is over then im basically home free until spring break! woo! except for some stupid 2 page paper on an accounting book...So pointless. Anyways, goodnight....Oh, and if YOURE still reading more goodnight txts from me. or goodnight kisses...again...have fun with WOW, getting tired of your troll yet??

One thing i want to do before i die- Go to Italy with my Dad.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I'm sure World of Warcraft will still make you happy like I did.

I hope you soon realize that all you have left now is your WOW character. I deserve better than that. How could you hurt someone so badly who you loved for so long. It doesnt make sense to me. To listen to my voice over the phone while crying and asking you to be there for me, you have the nerve to say WOW is more important. If thats the case, then i hope you and WOW are very happy. and I hope WOW buys you chipotle, and kisses you before you fall asleep, and holds your hand in the car, and plays games with you, and dances for you, and is proud of you because Im not there to do that for you any longer.I gave you a choice and you blew it, thanks for yelling at me last night. Showed me who you really are and showed me what i really deserve. I hope youre happy. I will soon be.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Still Broken Hearted

I should just give up. It hurts the most when someone has to question if they love you. I always thought love was something you just feel and you just know. That's how i feel about it. I guess I'm not special enough to anyone to be loved like that. I'm just noone special and it hurts because all i want is to be that special someone for him. This hurts too much to continue loving someone who doesn't know what they want. My heart rebreaks every minute. I have to carry on with my life and leave him be. Im sorry for loving you. Im sorry for everything. I deserve this.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Hard to Resist

Why is it that every time i see you, i fall back in love. I can't help it.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

who gives a shit. It's all the same

You say you care, but you left me sit here alone crying. No shoulder to lean on. No one to talk to. No one understands. You say you love me, but you need time. I deleted your phone number. Im not going to wait forever. You'll be sad when I'm gone. You'll realize just like i realized. I poured my heart out and you let it hit the ground. I feel sick. Why is this happening to me, Do i not deserve happiness? ever? Why? I hate this. You fucking deal with it now. Just know... I;m not fucking crawling back to you. You come back to me.

Fuck My Life.
This hurts so bad. I know youre tired of hearing it. I dont care. Dont read this then. Greg I want to be with you. Last night, I just wanted to hold you and be your best friend and your girlfriend and your everything. You know i love you and i always will. I knwo you feel the same.
enough of this. back to my stupid paper.

feel better Greg. Happy Birthday. I hope you love the gifts i got you.
Use them wisely.


West Coast by Coconut Records

For a second there i thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you're still around
No noo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I'm goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast
And if you shake her heart enough she will appear
Tonight i think i'll be stayin here
And you never did like this town
I talk out loud like you're still around
No nooo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I'm goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast
Come on everybody

Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaa
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaa

So pack up the bags to beat back the clock
Do i let her sleep or should i wake her up
You said
We both go together if one falls down
Yeah right, heh
I talk out loud like you're still around
No noo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I m goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast

I dont care what you think

I love him. PERIOD.

Lets make it work Greg...please.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Im Hangin In There

Things are getting a little better. Greg and I hung out yesterday just as friends. It was good. I didnt cry! I almost did when i asked for a hug. God, i miss his hugs. Im trying to be strong. He said he needed time to think about what he wanted. I asked him how much time he needed. He said "I am going to wait til the end of the week, then ill think if i wanted to spend the week with you or spend it how i spent it." Makes sense. Suppose Ill do the same. I just feel so empty. I barely eat which is mad talk coming from me! I guess thats how it feels to break up with someone. All i drink is water because it fills my stomach a little without making me sick. Funny how girls usually binge eat ben and jerrys when they break up, i have no idea how they can do that! I have an acctounting Exam today. First one this semester. Im nervous. closed book and closed notes. Hopefully he will say differently when we get there. Its all multiple choice but we have to show our work. Idk.
Anyways, I had a guy ask for my number via facebook. Bad news is he is the on again off again boyfriend of my friend. Fucked up that he would do that to her. He is probably trying to spite her because he thinks shes seeing someone else. So stupid. Anyways i told him no because i could never do that to her. Well I am gonna go study now. Things are getting better. I almost slept through the entire night last night. oh, and my goal today is to NOT call or txt greg. we'll see how that goes. byee

**One thing i want to do before i die- Try trapezing!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

what the hell was i thinking

I feel like i have to barf 24/7. I cant eat i cant sleep and i cant breathe. Sounds so dramatic but its true. I want to cry ever minute and sometimes i cant cvontrol it. I need him back. Hes my everything. Hes all i want. All i need. I have a managment test today. Couldnt sleep. couldnt study. Hello D- here i come. This is a hell week. and its not even over yet. I am so stupid. so stupid.

Monday, February 23, 2009


I hate this. I feel like the only reason you should break up with a person is because you dont love the person anymore. It doesnt make sense why i broke up with him. I feel like im willing to do with all the things i want because i would rather be with him. Everyone is going to think im weak, but honestly i dont give a shit considering he is the only person who ever made me happy. All i wanted last night was for him to be there. holding me. This was a mistake. and im realising it.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Not good.

well. we broke up.
i hate the story so im not going to tell it.
It kills me
I really love you Greg and Im glad you are still a big part of my life.
Please don't hate me
This is killing me.