Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Im Hangin In There

Things are getting a little better. Greg and I hung out yesterday just as friends. It was good. I didnt cry! I almost did when i asked for a hug. God, i miss his hugs. Im trying to be strong. He said he needed time to think about what he wanted. I asked him how much time he needed. He said "I am going to wait til the end of the week, then ill think if i wanted to spend the week with you or spend it how i spent it." Makes sense. Suppose Ill do the same. I just feel so empty. I barely eat which is mad talk coming from me! I guess thats how it feels to break up with someone. All i drink is water because it fills my stomach a little without making me sick. Funny how girls usually binge eat ben and jerrys when they break up, i have no idea how they can do that! I have an acctounting Exam today. First one this semester. Im nervous. closed book and closed notes. Hopefully he will say differently when we get there. Its all multiple choice but we have to show our work. Idk.
Anyways, I had a guy ask for my number via facebook. Bad news is he is the on again off again boyfriend of my friend. Fucked up that he would do that to her. He is probably trying to spite her because he thinks shes seeing someone else. So stupid. Anyways i told him no because i could never do that to her. Well I am gonna go study now. Things are getting better. I almost slept through the entire night last night. oh, and my goal today is to NOT call or txt greg. we'll see how that goes. byee


**One thing i want to do before i die- Try trapezing!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

what the hell was i thinking

I feel like i have to barf 24/7. I cant eat i cant sleep and i cant breathe. Sounds so dramatic but its true. I want to cry ever minute and sometimes i cant cvontrol it. I need him back. Hes my everything. Hes all i want. All i need. I have a managment test today. Couldnt sleep. couldnt study. Hello D- here i come. This is a hell week. and its not even over yet. I am so stupid. so stupid.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Regrets

I hate this. I feel like the only reason you should break up with a person is because you dont love the person anymore. It doesnt make sense why i broke up with him. I feel like im willing to do with all the things i want because i would rather be with him. Everyone is going to think im weak, but honestly i dont give a shit considering he is the only person who ever made me happy. All i wanted last night was for him to be there. holding me. This was a mistake. and im realising it.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Not good.

well. we broke up.
i hate the story so im not going to tell it.
It kills me
I really love you Greg and Im glad you are still a big part of my life.
Please don't hate me
This is killing me.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tear Jerker

Ok. Aside from the hundreds of pages i have to read and the papers i have to write and the test i need to study for by next week, i am just a mess. I have so many thoughts in my head so this blog might be kind of scattered. Anyways. Kim comes back soon. I believe she said the 21st. which is her birthday. Good timing. I am really excited for her birthday party. Circus themed. Im a sucker for themes. I usually hate parties but anytime kim or nichole are there i never get really bored. I think thats what my life is missing and why im so sad here lately. Kim and nichole are such big parts of my life and when they arent here, its like a huge part of me is missing. Its interesting, though, how i can go months and months and months without seeing either of them, but the second i see them again its as if no time has passed since the last time we saw eachother. Kim, i know youre reading this and i just want to tell you how much i love you! Ive never had a friend who is practically a sister before i became friends with you. You are unlike anyone i know and i love you for that. We went through a rough patch awhile back because i felt as if i were competing with john but i suppose ive come to like him now haha. you chose a good guy, but dont forget to appreciate everything he does for you because he is one of a kind. I havent heard of many guys who would do the things he does. Anyways. I miss you to death and i love you! oh ok so back to the party. Circus theme! Im gonna be a mime. Im gonna try making greg the "strong man" because he is....not and i think itd be funny. lol

I ve been crying a lot lately. Its so "emo" i know but really i have no idea what is wrong with me. Maybe im just stressed. I dunno. I just feel so so so alone. I feel unwanted and unappreciated all the time. I think i deserve so much but get nothing, but maybe i dont derserve anything. whatever.

Sold some jewelry yesterday. Judy bought $25 worth. Way awesome. hope it doesnt break lol.

im so over everything right now.

seems like everyone has that "someone". like a wing man, ya know? I feel like im alone though. the onlyone without a wingman. I never feel that way when im with kim and nichole. I dont get left out of a group when im with them. Im part of the group. God i miss them.

This blog is depressing.....embarassingggg
so much reading.
i should go
kbye


**one thing i wanna do before i die- be happy and not compare myself to others.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Time to finally breathe

So this long weekend has ended and i just finished my homework for tomorrow. Now i can tell you about how everything went. Thursday night was stephs birthday party at our friends' house in camarillo. It was alright. I dunno im awkward at parties. Whatever. Friday! Probably my favorite day of the weekend. I went to a WWE Raw show in LA at Staples Center with VsideVince, Maxi Pad, and Fili. We wondered the streets looking for a freaking subway and couldnt find one. we end up at a small cafe breakfast place that only took cash...which i had none of ....so i ate free bread and vince's coleslaw. yum! so! they wrestling show was good and vince probably made me laugh so hard i almost peed my pants. He kept yelling through his kept and screaming and a little kid in front of him i think started to idolize vince more than the wrestlers lol. Anyways that was really fun. Next day, Valentines day. Woke up early baked cookies for Greg got all dressed up and waited....until about 130 in the afternoon when Greg picked me up to take me back to hueneme. We fed the ducks on a stream that is down the street from his apartment. It wa fun. Then he atempted to make me a KFC chicken bowl from scratch and definitely burned the chicken instantly. 2nd attempt was better and it turned out good! So i definitely did not get a surprise road trip or get to camp under the stars or get to go on a romantic scavenger hunt, but ill deal with reality. Sunday i just sat around. Nothing special. So. I guess there are no more days coming up for greg to have another shot at doing something romantic for me. I think i just live in a fairytale and he always tells me this is reality. Its hard for me to cope with that though. Why can't i live in a fairytale?? Some girls really get that. Alright. I guess thats it. Oh! and i miss my besties kimbo and nicholita. I love you guys!!!! <333!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Away from the Jungle

Im taking time away from the stupid book "the jungle". I think i might go fucking crazy if my mother calls me one more time. Its only 3pm and she has called me already 13 times today. No joke. I need her to stop. Shes on my ass about everythign. i need this to stopp.. fuck

fuckkkk


i hate this
i hate this book
i hate her calling me 24/7
i hate having to call her for every fucking thing i do.
i hate it
i hate it
fuck



get me the fuck away from all of this. FUCK

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Things To Do This Weekend and then some

-work
-hair trim
-eyebrows
-read The Jungle
-Critical thinking essay
-finish website
-read ch 2-4 for management and take notes
-read ch 4-6 for management info systems and take notes
-econ homework
-buy supplies for PIMP cup
-go to Maria's mom's art show in Ojai
-buy valentines day gift
-buy shampoo soap and eyeliner at Target
-collapse.

I like to make a lot of lists. I have about 5 lists that look exactly like this one. I think i might have OCD. I am constantly writing lists and everything always ALWAYS has to be in its place and perfect and lined up. Its horrible. So Gregs gonna be gone this weekend :\ Hes going home for a dentist appointment and for his brothers birthday. Happy Birthday Timmy Hammy! Yea so i suppose its just steph and i think weekend. Maybe when im done with everything i have to do or am procrastinating we can fit in a few dance parties. I want to go clubbin so bad! I figured out my outfit for the next time i go. Its a black little dress with black and grey leopard print top part its strapless and it looks bomb...im just saying. and my shoes are awesome too and i want to wear them but i have no occassion, yet. Maybe ill wear them for stephs bday. Oh we can have a theme! Imgonna tell her that when im done with this. Well im gonna go do something else i suppose.
<333

-one thing i wanna do before i die- See a show on Broadway.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Hello, Its You Again

So its another day. Wednesday. My worst day. Too much class i think. I cant wait for this semester to be over. Its hard actually doing your work in school. I do not recommend it. I have so much homework to do this weekend. Oh! I get to make a PIMP cup for my roommate Steph lol. Shes turning 21 next weekend and NEEDS a PIMP cup. I am excited to make it. Man i wish i had more money. There are absolutely wayyyy too many birthdays in March. Like Kims mom always said "I Should have kept my legs closed" I think all mothers of march babies should have done that! For my sake at least lol. I need to go shopping too. I dont know if i mention that in my last blog but i hate all of my clothes. I think on my next paycheck i am just gonna blow it on clothes.....after i pay max back for my ticket! and the dr pepper! Oh! Valentines day is coming up. I wonder if greg will do anything for me...I was a romantic scavenger hunt or something. Something that takes thought and effort. I dont know i feel like some people get so much and dont appreciate anything. but me on the other hand....kind of opposite. blah. dont wanna talk about this. I guess i just have such high hopes always. I make up things in my head that greg can do...Take me on a surprise road trip the big sur and camp under the stars or take me to the airport in a random field and watch the planes go over as we lay on the hood on his car with blankets... I dont think ill ever get that, unless i do it myself. Which i usually do. I should stop making things up like that in my head. I set myself up for disappointment. sucky. We will see i suppose. So as of right now i love the song "1,2,3,4" by the plain white ts. its too cute. you should listen to it. It will either make you love life or hate it. Hopefully love it. Gotta go to class now.

<333

One thing i want to do before i die. -Scream as loud as i possibly could into a canyon