Saturday, June 27, 2009

BLOG Vomit

Basically, a lot has been going on. On tuesday Chris took me to Mammoth to stay at his family's cabin they have up there.It was so much fun. the first night we went to a look out spot and just looked at all of mammoth then he made me steak and salad for dinner which was delicious. Then on wednesday we went hiking and fishing at horseshoe lake, and we also went to see a waterfall. Then we went to a hot spring which chris said was usually crowded but there was no one person there and it was sooo beautfiul because it was like this random hot spring in the middle of now where and we were surrounded by mountains and it was just really pretty. Then later that night we put a matress ouside and watched the stars i the deck outside. we saw shooting stars and they were HUGE. Oh and that morning while, chris was gone on his ride, i went downstairs to watch some seinfeld and he left me a little note on the counter it was adorableeee it said how he loved being there with me and how he wanted to stay and extra night.; then he came back from his ride with hot cocoa for me. and i decieded i wanted to stay an extrta night so i could meet his cousins. thenon thursday around like 11 we went kayaking and the weather was perfect and i got burnt but i am tan now. and so i met his cousins and they are so sweet! i really liked them both. chris is leaving on tuesday for Massachusetts whcih sucks but he will only be gone for a week. I hope he does well in his race. lets see, on the 4th of july im going to eddie greg and drews new house and i am so excited to see it and i am excited becaus ei love 4th of july and i love hot dogs and i loveeeeee fireworks. and then! on the 5th , we are going white water river rafting which i am superrr nervous about but excited too. fuck i am rambling so much. anyways. IM STARVING i want carls jr. so badly. well im gonna go to sleep. night

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Its Facebook Official

So last night Chris asked me to be his girlfriend. I am so excited, he is so adorable. He is always holding me so tight and playing with my hair and telling me stories. Im excited to see what is to come. He has to leave at the beginning of August for two months which makes me really sad, but its his job so nothing that can change that. I am just happy to spend the time with him for the summer up until he has to leave. So happy and so excited :]]

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Moving on...

Moving on has to be one of the weirdest things ever. Its like just the weirdest feeling in the world. I always thought we'd be in love forever like i would think about what kind of house we'd live in and our wedding and kids names. He never talked about that with me so i guess that should have been a sign lol. idk, It kills me to hurt him to badly. He never cries, and now its all he does, because of me. I wish i could take that pain away from him. I hate that he thinks about me with Chris and theres nothing i can say to him. Last night Chris came over, he wanted to talk. it was really nice of him to come over after i put him in the middle of everything. I dont want to talk about chris because , Greg, I knwo you are reading this. I dont want to hurt you ok?

Im stuck, but life has to go on for both of us.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

really hard night.

greg txted me today. all these things he had been saying made me see a change in him and i had to give him another chance. he drove down the second i said he could which is what i always wanted him to do. he was saying all the right things, everything i always wanted to hear from him, so why didnt i feel head over heels? i wanted to so badly. i called chris and told him i could only be his friend. i told him this because i wanted to be in love with greg so badly. but i couldnt. watching greg cry for hours is the hardest thing in the world to do. i never wanted to hurt him, i wanted to love him. i never wanted it to end like this. Im so sorry.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I Should Be Happy

I hate what i did. i hate how everything happened. things were going good with greg and i, he talked about how things would be different, yet i was nervous because things can change for a little but in the long run go back to how they have been. we met at chipotle. Just looking at him, i knew i was in love. i kissed him. he held me. it was so perfect feeling. when i got in the car i called chris to tell him i dont want to go on the second date. that night, i couldnt sleep. thinking how i regret not going on the date, anda lways gonna think 'what if'. i wanted to go on the date to see how it was to be with someone else, to see if greg really was as perfect with me as i thought. it broke my heart to tell greg that it was what i needed to do. so chris and i have no hung out about 5 times or something i never had that tingly i like you feeling until last night. we watched Yes Man, but didnt watch much of the movie, and not because we were making out (we didnt even kiss) but because we talked the entire movie. non stop. we joked and laughed and told stories. it was fun. when i got home, i told greg that i like chris and that makes me sick to have to tell him that. He says all this stuff about how he loves me still and how he doesnt want to be with other girls ever, but i cant help but think in my mind, 'then why the fuck arent you here fighting for me'. he claims he has no balls to do that. I think if you love someone and are about to lose them, youd grow balls as quickly as possible. I dont think its an excuse. when we first broke up about a month later we tried things again, and he didnt even care. i would call him and he would never answer, it was as if we werent even going out. it was like we were forced together. that was his chance. I basically had to break up for us both because he just didnt care about it and i could tell. when summer began we talked everyday pretty much, we were becoming friends again. i think thats stupid
to have to work on becoming friends again to be in a relationship. you shouldnt have to try that hard to be something. i knew i wanted him but he never made me feel like he wanted me. seems like the second i started dating chris, now hes telling me all these hidden feelings which would have made me not date chris in the first place.
im constantly sick from all this. Always sick to my stomach. A couple nights ago it was Chris's birthday and he said we could hang out that night, so i got all ready to hang out and he ended up calling me late and i was mad. he felt like a jerk, he called me at like 1:30am asking if he could see me that second, if he could drive over to see me and apologize in person. I remember one night i think during winter break, i hadnt seen greg in a few weeks and he was in hueneme again. i told him i needed to see him. it was about 10pm. i told him ineeded him as i was crying on the phone on the floor. and all he could say was "we can work this out on the phone, its too late to drive there"...he let me lay down and cry the rest of the night, without him. THAT was his chance. THOSE NIGHTS were his chances. I dont know what else to say. Im going to just take life day by day and see what happens. I cant predict the future and thinking about it makes me nauseated.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I hope I didnt make a mistake.

ok, well, lemme just tell you i guess. The past few days have been weird. I got asked out on a date. I told the guy i would like to hang out with him but not be a date he said yea. So he picked me up and we went to the movies and got ice cream, he paid....well, it was a date. I had fun,but i felt guilty for having fun. Greg and i had been trying to work on things for the past two weeeks but i think things were going too slow for me because i felt greg just didnt want me right now, and that hurt. So that night, the guy asked me on a second date, i told him idk yet because i had to talk to greg. The next night i met with greg at chipotle in ventura. I had high hopes that he might consider it a date and pick mee up and pay and be all sweet, but he didnt. i mean he was sweet, as he always is, but idk, i felt like i was forcing it all. forcing him asking me on a date, forcing a kiss, forcing everything. idk, so then i guess we settled that he would ask me on a date in a couple of days. we left that night just fine. it was the drive home that killed me. i called chris to decline the date and deep down i felt sad and felt as if i would miss out on something if i didnt see what was out there. i couldnt sleep all night, all i could think about was how regretful i was and how i knew i couldnt go on a date with greg knowing how i felt about declining the date. today was the worse though. having to tell greg that i felt i needed to go on a date with someone else, made me beyond sick to my stomach. i cried and cried but realized if its meant to be then it will be and i truely believe that. i dont want greg to never give me a chance again if i realize that we really were perfect for eachother, but i need to see if that is true. so, chris asked me on a date for tmro night and i accepted. we are going to a restaurant on maint st. in ventura. im so awkward at restaurants with people i barely know idk how much ill like that. so awkward with paying and all that. i am saying idk a lot, i feel like im regretting all THIS now, but i just know that this is what i have to do. test the waters. i wish life were easier sometimes. i guess ill blog about it after i go. im gonna give this some time. let things take their course. we will see. Everything will be okay in the end, and if they arent okay, then its not the end.