Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I Should Be Happy

I hate what i did. i hate how everything happened. things were going good with greg and i, he talked about how things would be different, yet i was nervous because things can change for a little but in the long run go back to how they have been. we met at chipotle. Just looking at him, i knew i was in love. i kissed him. he held me. it was so perfect feeling. when i got in the car i called chris to tell him i dont want to go on the second date. that night, i couldnt sleep. thinking how i regret not going on the date, anda lways gonna think 'what if'. i wanted to go on the date to see how it was to be with someone else, to see if greg really was as perfect with me as i thought. it broke my heart to tell greg that it was what i needed to do. so chris and i have no hung out about 5 times or something i never had that tingly i like you feeling until last night. we watched Yes Man, but didnt watch much of the movie, and not because we were making out (we didnt even kiss) but because we talked the entire movie. non stop. we joked and laughed and told stories. it was fun. when i got home, i told greg that i like chris and that makes me sick to have to tell him that. He says all this stuff about how he loves me still and how he doesnt want to be with other girls ever, but i cant help but think in my mind, 'then why the fuck arent you here fighting for me'. he claims he has no balls to do that. I think if you love someone and are about to lose them, youd grow balls as quickly as possible. I dont think its an excuse. when we first broke up about a month later we tried things again, and he didnt even care. i would call him and he would never answer, it was as if we werent even going out. it was like we were forced together. that was his chance. I basically had to break up for us both because he just didnt care about it and i could tell. when summer began we talked everyday pretty much, we were becoming friends again. i think thats stupid
to have to work on becoming friends again to be in a relationship. you shouldnt have to try that hard to be something. i knew i wanted him but he never made me feel like he wanted me. seems like the second i started dating chris, now hes telling me all these hidden feelings which would have made me not date chris in the first place.
im constantly sick from all this. Always sick to my stomach. A couple nights ago it was Chris's birthday and he said we could hang out that night, so i got all ready to hang out and he ended up calling me late and i was mad. he felt like a jerk, he called me at like 1:30am asking if he could see me that second, if he could drive over to see me and apologize in person. I remember one night i think during winter break, i hadnt seen greg in a few weeks and he was in hueneme again. i told him i needed to see him. it was about 10pm. i told him ineeded him as i was crying on the phone on the floor. and all he could say was "we can work this out on the phone, its too late to drive there"...he let me lay down and cry the rest of the night, without him. THAT was his chance. THOSE NIGHTS were his chances. I dont know what else to say. Im going to just take life day by day and see what happens. I cant predict the future and thinking about it makes me nauseated.

No comments:

Post a Comment