Sunday, November 29, 2009

You're all such fakes

I can't explain how i feel right now. i hate you i hate you i hate you. the things you said to me before were always a lie. you are a fake. have fun living your life knowing that you lied. you honestly make me so sick to my stomach. all of these people i use to call my friends. i hate you all. you are not good people. to hurt a person who has always been there for you. ALWAYS. the only person who would be there for you in a heartbeat if you needed it. you don't deserve a friend like me. and i deserve better friends than you. seriously, fuck you.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Deleted. and Pirate Radio

So i officially deleted the bookmark to Gregs xanga. no need to read it anymore. not interesting to read a blog that belongs to a typical tool. you have become what youve always hated. Grats.

I just got back from the movies with Chris, his sister, cousin, aunt, and mom. It was fun. I really love his sister and his cousin. His family makes me feel so comfortable and welcomed. we saw Pirate Radio., That movie is incredible. I loved every second of it. I wanted it to keep going. and the music was awesome as well. loved it!

I am so tired now though from camping. Back to school tomorrow. Can't wait for winter break so i can be with Chris all day everyday. night!

-something i wanna do before I die-go to a light festival in thailand,

I was really roughing it

So i just got back from camping at rose valley last night. It was so fun. When we got there, we thought all the sites were taken up but there was one left an it was the best one cause it was hidden away from everyone else. we set up camp and hiked to the waterfall. when we got there, there were a couple families so we just sat and ate our sandwiches and waited for them to leave. when they left, Chris showed me a cave that was hidden behind the waterfall. it was so cool. you can like crawl in the cave and climb up to the top of the waterfall. it was so fun. when we got back to camp we took another hike up a really steep hill. chris let me old onto his butt pockets so i wouldnt fall down the hill haha and that was actually really helpful. the view wasnt bad either ;) lol he is so cute. We hung out at the top of the hill for a while til it almost got dark and we decided to build a fire. he roasted hot dogs and ate bananas. then we got in the tent at like 7pm. It was so early but we didnt know because we didnt have our phones or anything. we cuddled in the sleeping bag and told secrets lol. in the middle of the night i got soooooooooooooooo cold like ice cold. chris gave me more blankets and i fell asleep. i had to pee so bad all night tho and i didnt wanna wake him up to walk me all the way to the bathroom so iheld it...bad idea. by the monring time like 5am. i couldnt hold it anymore so i told Chris. without me even asking, he offered to walk me to the bathroom in the freezing cold. he had his jacket ready to put it on me so i wouldnt be cold when we walked there. we didnt fall back asleep but jjust cuddled. i probably looked so haggard but all he could tell me was how beautiful i am and how lucky he is. But i am the lucky one. to get a guy that every girl dreams of. he held me and i fell asleep on his chest. i was so perfectly warm and cozy when he wwhispered in my ears telling me he was gonna clean up everything outside so i didnt have to and i could sleep. he put all the sleeping bags on me and i was soo warm. once he finished cleaning he came in the tent and brought me some food. we ate apples oranges craisins almonds and turkey lol. it was good. i love him so much. i am the luckiest girl in the world. really.

Friday, November 27, 2009


Just had a huge talk with Judy. Its people like her who give me hope that not everyone at my school is a tool. Thanks for the talk Judy. I really appreciate your friendship.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Upgrade. Giving Thanks.

So I remember a time when i thought what i wanted in a boyfriend was someone to cook laugh dance etc with me. I remember wanting those things when i was with greg and telling him and myself that i could deal with the fact that he didnt do any of those things. Its insane the difference between greg and Chris. It shocks me i stayed so long with Greg after knowing how i should really be treated. Like, he didnt want to do anything ever. just sit, watch tv, do nothing. Chris is so full of life so fun and so appreciative. He loves everything i do. he tells me I'm beautiful without me hinting or having to ask if i look ok. i see myself getting married to him. We talk about our future together and he wants to live with me when we graduate. Greg never wanted to live with me. His loss. It was all completely his loss. I look at greg now, I get disgusted because he is just comformed to be like all those other guys. He lost his true self. and thats too bad. I'm going camping with Chris tomorrow! We are going to Rose valley. I am very excited. So spur of the moment always. He is so amazing. When we get our own place together, we are gonna have 2 dogs and 2 cats. the dogs will be lucy and spamoni and the cats will be Maru and Mimisiku. So excited :]

So, Its thanksgiving. I am thankful for my family. Even though they are all crazy and i get so frustrated by them, i still love them all so much and they support me so much and i am so thankful for that.

Im thankful for Chris. For being my everything. For being there when I am so sad. and for being the one to make me so so happy. For kissing my tears away and dancing with me in public. For being as cute as he is. For going on bike rides with me and for bringing out a side of me i never knew i had. For showing me how to live life and for living it with me. I love you baby. forever and always.

Im thankful for my best friends Kim Nichole Julie and Vince. you guys have been with me for so long. You are all there for me whenever i need someone to talk to and you dont judge me and you accept me for who i am. I can trust you all and I love you guys for that.

I am thankful for life love health and happiness. I want to appreciate the little things. Being able to go to school, have a job , and be healthy. I am thankful for the fact that i have all the things I need and am thankful for today and everyday to come.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you.

I think what I really need is a night out. Like dancing in hollywood or something. I need to grab some girls and go to a club or something. get all dressed up and dance. when i went to slo a little over a month ago, we went to a bar and went dancing and it was so incredibly fun. We had some shots before and walked to the bar from Johns house. Chris danced with me and it was so fun! I have never really dirty danced with a guy and been so comfortable with it. We were so good together! He is just adorable when is dances. I love it! and I love him! Can't wait to get back to school and maybeee have a party at CHance's house and invite only the people who matter. It will be so fun. So im thinking like Maria kim john nichole ben julie josh diana steph judy and i guess all of Chris's cycling friends. I really like all of them, they are so nice. Can't wait! dancing really makes me feel better all the time cause its makes me forget how shitty people are. I can just dance forever. ok well Im gonna go to sleep now. I have thanksgiving with the Bartons tmro! night!

-one thing I wanna do before I die- Donate my hair.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm shaking because it hurts so bad.

to see those fucking pictures. to see that i am LITERALLY replaced. Exactly where i use to be, that spot is filled. with someone who other people find to be more fun. awesome. I am disgusted and just so sad at everything. I cant believe it. That person who i thought i knew, someone i thought knew everything about me, is someone who is so different now. Just like everyone else. You're just like everyone else. go party, get drunk, hook up every weekend, be typical. i really fucking hate you. i really fucking hate you. i

Roller Coaster of Emotions.

Hmmm well i have no clue where to start. Life is amazing on one hand and horrible on another. Chris and I fall more and more in love by the second. I really think he is the one and we talk about moving in together at the end of the school year. I think that would be so amazing to live with him. He is perfect. We have so much fun together and he cares so much about me and appreciates every single thing about our relationship. I am so in love with him and I am the luckiest girl inthe world because of him and he makes me so so happy......and then there is the down side to my life. Basically all of thepeople who use to be my friends, are not. But im starting to realize I deserve better than them. I deserve a group of friends who want me to come along and people who do not talk bad about me behind my back. They all went to Vegas. Diana, Judy, and steph were the only onesw ho cared that I was not going. Everyone else could give a shit. When I heard Greg went i basically wanted to punch him so hard. He has changed so much. and I am so incredibly happy I moved on from him. I would be miserable if I were with him still and I thank God every day that I was not stupid and followed my heart. I knew I deserved better and I got it. He can have fun with trash....he'll never find someone as amazing as me and if he does, hopefully he treats her how she deserves. All those other people who use to be my friends, I'm over it. I will start new friendships. I am excited for my life and can't wait to graduate and meet more people and get out of camarillo. FUck all ofyou people who don';t appreciate the freindship i give you. I have true friends who care about me. And I know youre reading this...You knw who you are...I want to just tell you, No one has ever hurt me like you have....but karma is a BITCH. oh and P.S.- I hear its hard to remove blue glitter eyeshadow from shirts...gagme.
Now, big change of subject. Chris's dad and mom invited me to thanksgiving dinner at their house. I am so nervous. I want to bring a dessert or something so I'm not showing up empty handed but i am a horrible baker! I am attempting to make cookie bars and I did a test run of them a few minutes ago and they are not looking too good lol. So i might have to scratch that whole idea. Anyways, I love Chris. and I talk about him basically non stop. I got so fucking lucky. He is just PERFECT PERFET PERFECT for me. I guess you have to go through the rotten apples to get the good ones! And I think I got the best!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Honestly, why do i bother?

I try so hard to be nice and be a good person. But all these people who i thought were my friends think Im the bad guy because of "what I did to Greg". I think taht is so stupid. I feel Greg and I were both equally hurt in our situation and I feel it is so incredibly unfair that I look like I was the only one who did the hurting. I never wanted to hurt Greg and that day I hurt him I can never forget and it will crush me forever, but everyone thinks i hurt him on purpose. No one calls me. and when i make plans with them, they carry on the plans without me. I dont get a phone call from them when they do get togethers. Everyone is going to vegas. I want to go, and i am, but i am kind of forcing myself on to them. they say they dont want me in their car because i cause,,,, never in my life have i been the dramatic one. ever. but wahtever., Fuck, and i swear i think my roommate is stealing from me. I lost my neckclace that chris gave me, a bottle of lotion, 3 eyeliners, and now $80 from my wallet. That $80 was going to pay for vegas hotel and now i dont know if i can afford it. I setting up a webcam today to catch them. Im so furious i cant even express how mad I am. The other day I broke down crying when greg came over. He basically was saying how people think im the bad guy. Great. Me, the bad guy...i never thought i would be a bad guy. Ivfe always beeen a good girl. always. Well , im thinking i need a big change. Some new friends who don't think im a bad guy. Last night i stayed at Chance's house which is where Chris lives now. We all ate dinner together and went on a night bike ride and they were teaching me tricks. Thats the kind of fun i miss and im so happy i get to hang out with new people. I really love hanging out with them.. We started playing limbo in the backyard and we were lauhging hysterically. Fun without alcohol. thats what i miss. all my friends from school, all they do is get drunk. play beer pong, oh stuff....but not at all. Im excited to hang out with chris and his friends more but still sad that i am losing friendships that ive had all of college. Well, ill take things one day at a time. try and stay positive. I hope you are happy. i really do.

**One thing i wanna do before I die-go backstage at a live event.