Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dear Uncle Jason,

I really cannot believe you are gone. It is insane how you can be here one minute and not the next. I know you are in a better place free of pain and that is what makes me feel okay about you leaving. I know Jesse and Cheanno really look up to you. I know you will now be their guardian angel and will be watching over them. They really need you. I never got to know you because I was only a young girl when you were around, but I know you always made me laugh when I saw you. "life's a beach" you would always say. You always had a different quote to tell me whenever I saw you even if sometimes they didn't make any sense and we would laugh about how random they were. and you were right. Life is a beach. Rest in Peace Uncle Jason.

Love always,

Sunday, December 5, 2010

diary of a cyclist's girlfriend.

So i guess its not all its cracked up to be. when i tell people what chris does they think its awesome (which it totally is) but the truth is, its such a hard profession and not just for the rider. Its hard for Chris to up and leave his family, but he is doing what so many people would kill to do. me on the other hand, i get left alone 6 months out of the year. Chris left yesterday morning for training camp in spain. he comes back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks you might not think is a long time, but considering we only get to talk via skype for maybe 30 minutes a day, its pretty bad. it doesnt help me any that our Internet here is so slow or that we dont have cable. and normally i c ould care less about that stuff because chris is here and i dont need that stuff when i have him. but today was my first full day without him in a long time. so is it all worth it? spending half my year missing him...the answer is simple......yes. its worth every minute of loneliness. I think when youre in a relationship like this, you have to be able o support the other person 100%. chris supported me when i got my new job and he moved out with me just so he could be closer to me each day. I use to think that i never wanted to move to europe because of chris' cycling, but i think in the end thats what is going to happen and im ok with that. its a sacrifice i have to make to be with my soulmate and i would follow him to the end of the world if i had to. im kind of just venting right now because its so hard to be here in camarillo without him. i went to target today to buy christmas gifts. i was alone. its sad that i have to feel scared every time i go somewhere alone here. scared of seeing people who i use to love to see. im scared of people talking about me. and its not that i care what theyre saying it but i care who is saying it.

so here we go again. my feelings about the whole situation with mr. hamilton. i keep asking myself why i care so much. why why why. i ask myself, could i possibly still have feelings for him? and i realize that its not that at all. its just the pure confusion i have that he could possible act the way he is towards me. as if i dont even exist anymore. its hurts because of the times we had. i remember one day, i think it was valentines day on the pier and greg and i were walking and i looked at him and asked him if he thought we'd be friends even if we were broken up. he said of course and ya know i believed it as i believed everything he ever said to me. i never thought i could see my life without him. im fine that we are no longer friends if he feels that was necessary, but i am not okay with the fact that he wants to play it off like he doesnt know me at all. like we have no history at all.

the past couple of nights ive had nightmares of me chasing him asking him to talk to me for 2 minutes. Michelle is in the dreams too and she is trying to help me find him. i could pretend like none of this bothers me, but i would be kidding myself. i just cant imagine him not feeling guilty about ignoring someone he was so close to in the past and not as a gf but as a friend. someone who was always there for him from the very very start. i dont know. i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind yesterday. i had seen it b4 but i didnt really pay attention. well i fell in love with this movie. i wish i could get that procedure done. wipe all of the memories i have with Greg. and not have to ever think of him again. he cant even give me the courtesy of a text MSG. i never wanted to throw any of the things he got me away. i wanted to keep them so i could remember the good of our relationship and how it helped me become the person i am today and be the person i am in the relationship I'm in now. but thinking about how he's been acting, i just want to burn it all. the blanket, the Tasmanian devil, the reasons why he loved me. i makes me angry to look at it. and i use to look at it with fond memories.

anyways, if there are any other girlfriends of professional cyclists please let me know. i could use some support from a girl who goes through the same stuff i do.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I hate how much I think about our friendship that was thrown away. I really fucking hate it. Out of all the people I was friends with, I thought you were different. I thought youd at least give me the courtesy of giving me a logical reason. I was fine and over it all, but you just threw away our friendship like it was nothing. like we weren't best friends for over 3 years. but I guess you changed. My only question is how could you do that? Do you not feel horrible? I guess Ill never know and Ill live with these unanswered questions in my head. So fucking stupid.

Monday, October 18, 2010

So this is what it feels like when you're on top of the world.

Last week of work at the rec dept. I will miss it but I am so incredibly excited for everything that is coming up that I cant be sad. Chris and I are moving in to our brand new apartment on Saturday. I have been shopping for new stuff and ytesterday I got a lot of stuff at world market. I am so happy. It is so fun to be shopping for our new apartment and knowing I dont have to worry about money anymore. I feel so happy about everything and i am so thankful for everything that is happening for me right now. Right now Chris is in Switzerland for a team meeting but he comes back on tuesday. Hes getting a scooter too so we will have a scotter to drive all over the place instead of wasting gas money on a huge car. We move in saturday and I believe corey an chance are gonna help us which will be fun. I am excited for my new job too. I dont know if i even talked abouthtat yet. Its a job in Simi valley at a cnc machining place. They make parts for planes and missles and things liek that. Im basically just an office worker which is my area of expertise. I make pretty decent money too. I am reallllly happy right now. I seriously just think about how happy I am with the decisions I have made in the past. The people I have decided to stay friends with and thigns like that. I went to kim and johns house warming party the other day and it was so fun. We just have such great friend. nichole, kim and I were talking in kims room about how far we have come and stuff since high school. we are all moving into our own places, nichole is married, kim and i have real jobs and are moving in with our boyfriends. I think its cool to know that me kim julie and nichole have grown up so much together and how similar we are but all different too. We have so much fun together. Oh and nichole got me a record player for my new apartment/birthday gift. I am so stoked to put that in my new living room. I cant wait for our house warming paryt. Im thinking about doing a separate party, one for parents and one for friends. i have been talking to stephanie judy and dia and steph about the place and i hope they can all come to the party. I love seeing them because they are really the only good thing that came out of my college experience haha. So let me tell you a little bit about our new apartment. Its one bedroom one bathroom in camarillo. we are on the 3rd floor and have a balcony. the whole place is brand new. theres a huge pool and spa and bbq area and its all sooo pretty. there is also a brand new gym that is open 24hr a day which is awesome AND i most likely will never go in there hahah. our apartment is pretty big. My closet is HUGE! i love it. ahh I cant wait. I wish chris was here with me right now so we can be excited about it together. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow! so happy. dang, my blogs all sound the same. who reads this shit. i feel like no one does which makes me feel so comfortable to right private stuff but then once one of my co workers made a joke about reading my blog but i think he was being sarcastic and iw asnt sure if he really does read it. It would be so awkward if he did. well I am on top of the world. The view from up here, is INCREDIBLE.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

people people people.

So stupid. Greg cut me off as his friend when I tried inviting him and his new gf to my bday party. So i agreed and I deleted his numbers and i deleted him off facebook too. I was really hurt and upset because I had been his friend for so long and i was there for him even when I started dating Chris and he always said shit like "oh we cant be friends because you have abf now" blah blah blah but i remained his friend. But the second he gets a gf hes like oh shit nvm, bye. and i was OK with that until just now. I decided to look at myspace just because I was bored and he commented on my myspace. Its frustrating because its like if you really wanted to cut me off then truely fuck off. you cant half ass a friendship. so if youre reading this, then seriously grow some balls and next time call me or dont do anythign at all. Im curious as to why it was on myspace. i never check myspace nor does anyone even use it anymore. Trying to hide something Mr. Hamilton? Dumbass.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Good Morning!

Lets see. I still dont have a full time job but working at the rec technically as part time but working full time hours lol. Im having a lot of fun. yesterday chris and i went on a bike ride on the beach. we went thrift store shopping for our halloween costume which will be AWESOME. then we got burritos at taqueria. It was the best burrito ive ever had in my life. i seriously get so happy eating those haha. Chris tried the tacos instead of getting a burrito....big mistake. they were good but not enough food. After that we went to the mall to buy my hair straightener because mine broke in italy :\ then we went to baskin robins for dessert. When we got back we decided to post some of his unused cycling kits on ebay. So far people are checking them out like crazy. Its insane that people pay like $300 for a jersey. While we were doing that there was a lightning storm. So incredible to watch. Its way fun. we just sit on the back deck and get so excited when we see it strike lol. Then we make tomato soup with grilled cheese. YUM. Im happy that I have Chris. I love him. Shelley and I were talking and she was pretty much like dang this guy is so amazing you better marry him" lol. I hope to one day :) Well going on another bike ride today and going to the Chili festival. I am so excited. I definitely think Chris spoils me lol. We have so much fun together. I cant wait til we can afford to move out haha. I mean, we can afford it but we just love the fact that we are saving so much money living here. His parents arent bad at all. We are hoping in a couple years we can buy a house which would be nice. Seriously everyday i am so happy to not be in school anymore. I think if i would have known it was going to be this great i would have never gone at all haha. Not like I would have missed anything, just all the drama and fake people lol. literally all of them hate eachother now. i am happy to have real people in my life now and no shit talkers. life after college is still incredible. who told me to stay forever ? because they were wrong. Everyday is the best day of my life. breakfast time!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Im Happy. And I can FINALLY say that 100%

Every aspect of my life. INCREDIBLE.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Been here for over a month now

I havent posted in a long time. I have been keeping a journal here so i feel too lazy to repeat everything. Italy is incredible. We have been to Via Reggio, Florence, Cinque Terre, and of course Lucca. We are leaving for Sicily on the 10th. We get back the 19th then Rainey leaves the 21st. I will be here until the 31st so I will visit my sister in Rome for a few days. I am too lazy to tell you all about the stories and adventures Ive gone on so i suppose if thats what you want to read youre out of luck. I dont think anyone reads this anyways. I still cant help but be annoyed with people from college. Is it so wrong that everytime i see new pictures from them on fb that I hope they are now fat? lol. which some are. I just get annoyed at how that all happened. Greg says he is my friend, yet has never asked me how my trip is or anything. He has a new gf now, Michelle, so Im sure he feels he isnt allowed to talk to me. She is cute. I heard she is crazy but Im sure thats just a rumor.. i hope. I am excited to get home. I think a 2 month long trip was a bit much. I miss mexican food and having a car and people bagging my groceries for me and people speaking english. lol. This is a cool trip though and i know ill look back and be happy i did it. I have a much greater appreciation for what Chris does now. From traveling so much to being away from home for so long. I guess he is use to it by now but that qwould be so hard. He got sick again. so he had to come back from tour of wallonie. he is better now and will continue to race in europe until mid october which is really good for him considering he missed so much racin gin the beginign of the season. It must be weird for him. His friends are starting to ask him for things like hook ups on to the team and stuff. he gets about 40 twitter followers each day. I dont get it. That is just weird. Well Im rambling. bye

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Day Before the BIG DAY

So I am all packed and ready to go on my trip to Italy for two months. I cant believe it really. I have never been on a vacation in my life and now I am going on one for two months lol. I am super nervou sbecause I have only been on a plane twice which was to and from Canada. This is a total traveling time of 20 hours....we are leaving at 430am tmro morning. Its gonna be hard and I gonna feel like I have to puike because Ill be so nervous but I am sooooo excited to see chris it will be worth it. I cannnnot wait to see him. I am more excited to see him than I am to actually be in Italy.

Friday, June 18, 2010


So im sitting here at jury duty looking around at all the people who look miserable because they are here and I cant stop smiling. yea, it sucks to have to come here but i am still happy. happy for a new experience. happy to be alive. happy happy happy. The man next to me just bought me a coke. That also makes me happy. as i sit here blasting regina spektor into my ears. 10 days until italy. i talked to my cousin Angela who lives in Pisa and she said she was going to tak eus out to the city. i miss chris. i was watching the wedding episode of the office and i almost cried in the jury waiting room haha. I know its not time to get married and its not that we dont want to marry eachother its just there is no rush since we are happy and i dont think marriage will change a lot. but i was watching the episode and i love that they go off and get married on their own. just them two. i want that. i want it to be him and i. he is absolutely perfect. so happy loving life. :)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The usual life update

So a lot has been happening lately. I am now a college graduate. Totally insane and it feels like college went by so fast. the graduation was ok. I was really stressed the whole time because I woke up at 5am and was rushed to school to check in. Then the whole day was revolved around me and that just made me sick. I hate being the center of attention. Then later that night I went to Chris' house. He threw me a party and it was a a "dress like you did as a kid" party. It was really fun. he made me a cake and everything. then the next days we were suppose to leave for our road trip but my patagonia hiking shoes that chris got me hadnt arrived yet and I needed them so we waited a couple extra days which was perfect because it was raining in big sur those days anyways. Once the shoes finally arrived we left immediately on our trip. First stop was Big sur. We camped there for 2 nights. one of the days we went hiking at andrew malera state park and it was incredible. We had to cross some rivers to continue on the trail and that was really fun. We kept hiking for about 5 miles and found a huge beatiful beach which was pretty much deserted. it was so nice. we just took a nap for an hour on the beach alone. then we went back to our camp site and skipped rocks in the river. It was relaly nice just being with him completely alone. Thats always the best. The next day we were headed to monterey bay. on the way we stopped at a random lighthouse along the 1. it was so beautiful and turns out it was actually a hjostel which i thought was insane because it was nicer than most hotels I had seen. We continued on our way and got to monterey and went to the aquarium. we were there for a ocuple of hours then got lunch at a nice little restaurant which we got the whole back patio to ourselves. Then after that we headed to SF where we would be staying with his cousin in her apartment. well that was really awesome because ilove his cousin. we stayed in sf a few nights and then headed back home. we origiannly were going to go to yosemite and mammoth for a week but that got cancelled because of snow and icy roads :\ that wasnt going to ruin our time though. on our way home we decided to stop and visit our friends in San luis obispo. we stayed with nichole and her new husband ben. they have a cute little house and we had a lot of fun playing cranium with them. then we finished our trip with a stop in solvang and ate til we dropped. we are home now and i am still loving vacation. chris and i are trying to spend as much time together as we can because he leaves jun 14th until October. ugh. its going to be really hard but i know we can do it. i have no doubt about that. also he is going to fly me out a couple of times to visit him. So all in all, life is great. I am happy to be ggraduted and i am happy with where life is going. i am happy with who my real friends are and am somewhat sad for those who live life with fake relationships. I had a long talk with greg the other day and his idea on things are really sad but im pretty sure he is right about all of them. makes me sick, but people get what they deserve and life will work itself out in the long run.

**One thing I want to do before I die- Attend a huge sporting event ( mayyybe see the tour de france when chris races in it!)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

So school is almost out. just 18 more days until graduation. I cannot wait. I have non idea what i want to do but i am really excited for it. i dont know why i decided to blog right now but it was probably to put off my15 page paper even further. ugh. 18 18 18 18 18 .
cant wait!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Things were definitely meant to be like this.

The other day I hung out with Greg. We played tennis. The last time we saw eachother before that was i think in November and that was when he accidently sat next to me in the library. We havent hung out hung out probably since halloween I think. Kind of weird but anyways. we went to play tennis. it was i was comfortable and i had fun but we are just so different. I cant imagine being with him like i use to be. he kept saying things that were still hurtful. Saying I was clingy (also saying thats not always a bad thing) but i just think its weird how he had thought that all along yet never said it to me until our relationship went completely downhill. The most hurtful thing he said was wehen I asked him if he was relieved when I broke up with him that day....he said "im not even gonna say anything" its like that day i thought would have killed him but on the inside he was really thinking "Thank God" eck. i hate that. But then it made me realize even more so what I have with Chris now. This uy who is just my ultimate dream. I have never been told so many times that I am pretty without having to ask first. I never have to beg for him to hold me or to look at me or to go out with me. We have fun. The other day we were having lunch with my cousin maria and we were telling her about how we flew a kite the other day and how we wanted to go on a bike ride and she was like "you guys are just so awesome, you guys are always doing stuff teogether and it never has to do with getting drunk like all of your old friends." I was so happy because its true. Chris and I have the best time together even if it is just flying a kite in the park. I love that he loves stuff like that too its really nice. Anyways Greg then asked me what i was doing after graduation. I started to tell him how i wanted to apply at google and other companies and he basically would only say things that had to do with me NOT getting a job there. "Dont get your hopes too high now" I probably heard him say that a million times. I had to stop that convo quick. Then i ask about his brother and i guess his brother is thinking about asking his ex out. Greg kept saying "i dont want them to go out because they have a bad relationship like we did" its sad because i still look back at our relationship and think of it as a good thing. no regrets....until i start hearing his regrets. Anyways, ggraduation is close. Im excited. can't wait. life is amazing. i am still the luckiest girl alive.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Been a long time

So, its been a while since I have blogged. I have been pretty busy with school and work and everything else. So chris hasnt left yet because is he just getting over the mono. So he is not sure if he is going to Europe at all. Its a bitter sweet feeling because Im happy he gets to stay but im sad because I know he was excited to race. He is thinking they might put him in small races here nationally for right now to train and hopefully put him in the tour of california. That would be so amazing if he got torace in that race because I would get to go wtih his family to follow the race. For right now, he is just taking it one day at a time.
So...5 weeks until I graduate. So weird. I really cant believe that I am finally done with school in 5 short weeks. I am really excited though. I am applying to a ton of places and I am really excited for the next step in life. I am so happy and I feel like things are really going in the right direction for me.

Nichole got married last weekend. It was so beautiful. I was happy cause Chris got to go with me. I am really happy for her. She seems to really love Ben so I like him too because of theat. I hjope I get to know him a little better.

ok. hand cramp. BYe

Monday, March 8, 2010

Ya know, a part of me is still so pissed off that just because I am not dating greg, I have no friends. I should be happy that I got rid of a lot of fake people from my life, but at this point, I think Id rather have people pretend to be my friend than to not have any. I use to get so exccited for block party and gala, but now i have no dance buddies. no dress shopping buddies, no buddies at all. I hsould be happy and i am in some aspects of my life, but I need some girl friends. I miss shopping with them and random dancing. I went to sephora last week with Chris and he was ok being there but its just not the same. i could tell he wanted to leave. I feel like i am wasting my last semester of college doing nothing. I think the reason i want to leave so bad is because i think things will get better once i dont see these people anymore...but really, i dont see them these days and im still sad. I think i need a change of pace. I want to go on a trip. i want to do something with my life and not just mope around all day and wish i did more eexciting things. Its hard with no money though. ya know, and i get even more annoyed because people like Anne have so many friends and thats bullshit What she said to me is not what a good person says. So why do people like that more? Its cause shes a partier. So tight. ugh so over these typical people. Go get drunk at a beer pong tourney,..gags, im embarassed i ever hung out with people like that. I want to do something. and it needs to be done quick. This leaving, i dont know where, but im going, Chris will be gone so Ill have to do this alone, i dont know where, but im going to drive with no destination....

Monday, February 15, 2010

Guess who's back!

Pretty boring blogging to no one so I thought Id give it a try again publicly. So i moved out of my apt from before. i had a huge fight with michelle and i was basically yelling at her. I was skeptical about moving cause i thought id get much worse roommates and i was worried but my new roommates are absolutely incredible! I love my new place. its so fresh and clean and happy. Oh so Chris was suppose to leave today for belgium but he ended up staying here and extra week because he is sick...from me :\ but i am happy he is here and he is too. we went bowlig last night and I got 4 strikes in a row AND a total score of 174 which is the best ive ever bowled ( not including wii bowling) yea so life is really great right now. am a little stressed over school work but everything else is so amazing. I am so excited to graduate. So lately I have been hanging out with Chris and judy and cliff and sometimes diana. it feels good to be with good people. Sammy said she wanted to talk about our situation and never called and im okay with that. like it makes me laugh to see her because she just flaked on our talk lol. I dont know what goes through peoples heads but its entertaining to think about. Oh and Greg and Brandy broke up. EVERYTIME I see brandy, she laughs at me. I have no clue what that is about lol but that makes me smile as well. what could she possibly be laughing at?? i dunno haha. It sucks that Greg and I dont really talk anymore. I feel like he is kind of like everyone else now. Cant talk to Christina because i dont know what everyone else will think. lol I always thought him and I would always be friends but he doesnt reallyact like it and I think thats what upsets me the most. I dunno. I guess ill ttyl byee

Saturday, January 16, 2010


Im so bored. Chris left today to go to training in Santa Rosa. I miss him so much. He hasnt even been gone for a day. School starts on tuesday. Ugh so not ready for it. I am really over it,and i am so excited for my life. I am really tired. I woke up at like 6am with Chris. He was leaving at 8 but we wanted to wake up early so we could just be together. We talked til really late last night. We both almost started crying. We were comforting eachother about him being gone for so long. omg and last night we went out to dinnner wtih his family and Bjorn made a speech saying how Chris's family is so amazing and he was really thankful and iti was sweet. and then Chris was loike I have a speech too. He said he has an amazing family and great friends and now he has an amazing girlfriend and he feels very complete. I almost started crying. and then he was telling them that it was our 7 monthiversary and they were asking us about our first date and stuff. We just had a really great time. Then we went back to his house and we all played cranium. Chris and I won, of course lol It was really fun. I love his family and I am so happy I am with a guy who comes from such great people. Its obvious where he gets it from. well im tired and i sitll have to pack to move into the dorms. i will probably be blogging a lot because i have no friends at school lol. cant wait for chris to get back! I am SO happy!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Going Private...

So, Due to one or two immature people, I will be privatizing my blog. I dont need someone telling me things that are so far from the truth it makes me laugh. So say your last words now because once I get off work It will be private. I am still loving life and I am happier than Ive ever chew on THAT.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Crater Face

So I was at my internship yesterday and I was checking my email account because I needed to see what tasks I was assigned. Well, I had 5 comments on my blog spot which was weird because i never usually get comments. They were all from an anonymous person saying stuff about how I am a "Crater Face"

for example, one comment was "i heard puppies don't like crater faces" because I had blogged about wanting to adopt a puppy.

Being 21, I forgot immature people can be lol. Like, I have not been called a name like that since about the 7th grade. So weird. I feel bad for the person. They really must be bored haha and yea, i might not have great skin, but that goes away and even with my bad skin i still have someone super amazing with me, telling me i am beautiful everyday. They are just jealous, Im sure. I mean, who wouldnt be?

So lots has happened in the past few days. My computer got a virus....crashed....and i lost all of my pictures...again. I am really upset and i should have backed up my files but i just never had time. Cant go back now so no use in dwelling over it.

Chris's friend Bjorn is styaing with him. He is a cyclist too. He rides with radioshack which is Lance Armstrong's team. He said he is a pretty nice guy. So we have all just been haning out. Last night we made sushi and Chris's sister made some too. I love hanging out with such great people. People who don't talk abotu other people and people who are just so real and so happy and so appreciative of live. I love it.

I am pretty stressed lately over money.. lets see these are the things i need
passport- $115
plane ticket- $900
bridesmaid dress- $100
wedding gift- $50
mom bday gift-$30
gas money back to school-$40
school supplies-$20

and my pay check next thursday will be $200....HA soooo I am probably going to take out a loan. Chris said he would pay for my plane ticket for right now and i dont hve to pay him back for awhle. So, that is a relief.

I am so excited for belgium. I cannot wait! We are going to take a plane from Belgium to Paris. That will be so amazing. And then once Chris is back in the summer, he is doing the Tour of California races, which will be soooo fun to watch. I am going to make a huge sign for Chris. He is racing with the top cyclist in the WORLD. its so incredible. I am such a proud girlfriend lol. He is just amazing.

School is going to suck. I dont have friends anymore except stephanie H. which she is super cool but lives all the way in Simi. I guess its better to have a few real friends than hang out with a lot of fake people. I cant wait for graduation. Life gets better and better and I am so excited.

So if you want to call me a crater face one more time, go ahead if it makes you feel better, but just know, you cannot bring me down. I am the luckiest girl in the world.