Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dear Uncle Jason,

I really cannot believe you are gone. It is insane how you can be here one minute and not the next. I know you are in a better place free of pain and that is what makes me feel okay about you leaving. I know Jesse and Cheanno really look up to you. I know you will now be their guardian angel and will be watching over them. They really need you. I never got to know you because I was only a young girl when you were around, but I know you always made me laugh when I saw you. "life's a beach" you would always say. You always had a different quote to tell me whenever I saw you even if sometimes they didn't make any sense and we would laugh about how random they were. and you were right. Life is a beach. Rest in Peace Uncle Jason.

Love always,

Sunday, December 5, 2010

diary of a cyclist's girlfriend.

So i guess its not all its cracked up to be. when i tell people what chris does they think its awesome (which it totally is) but the truth is, its such a hard profession and not just for the rider. Its hard for Chris to up and leave his family, but he is doing what so many people would kill to do. me on the other hand, i get left alone 6 months out of the year. Chris left yesterday morning for training camp in spain. he comes back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks you might not think is a long time, but considering we only get to talk via skype for maybe 30 minutes a day, its pretty bad. it doesnt help me any that our Internet here is so slow or that we dont have cable. and normally i c ould care less about that stuff because chris is here and i dont need that stuff when i have him. but today was my first full day without him in a long time. so is it all worth it? spending half my year missing him...the answer is simple......yes. its worth every minute of loneliness. I think when youre in a relationship like this, you have to be able o support the other person 100%. chris supported me when i got my new job and he moved out with me just so he could be closer to me each day. I use to think that i never wanted to move to europe because of chris' cycling, but i think in the end thats what is going to happen and im ok with that. its a sacrifice i have to make to be with my soulmate and i would follow him to the end of the world if i had to. im kind of just venting right now because its so hard to be here in camarillo without him. i went to target today to buy christmas gifts. i was alone. its sad that i have to feel scared every time i go somewhere alone here. scared of seeing people who i use to love to see. im scared of people talking about me. and its not that i care what theyre saying it but i care who is saying it.

so here we go again. my feelings about the whole situation with mr. hamilton. i keep asking myself why i care so much. why why why. i ask myself, could i possibly still have feelings for him? and i realize that its not that at all. its just the pure confusion i have that he could possible act the way he is towards me. as if i dont even exist anymore. its hurts because of the times we had. i remember one day, i think it was valentines day on the pier and greg and i were walking and i looked at him and asked him if he thought we'd be friends even if we were broken up. he said of course and ya know i believed it as i believed everything he ever said to me. i never thought i could see my life without him. im fine that we are no longer friends if he feels that was necessary, but i am not okay with the fact that he wants to play it off like he doesnt know me at all. like we have no history at all.

the past couple of nights ive had nightmares of me chasing him asking him to talk to me for 2 minutes. Michelle is in the dreams too and she is trying to help me find him. i could pretend like none of this bothers me, but i would be kidding myself. i just cant imagine him not feeling guilty about ignoring someone he was so close to in the past and not as a gf but as a friend. someone who was always there for him from the very very start. i dont know. i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind yesterday. i had seen it b4 but i didnt really pay attention. well i fell in love with this movie. i wish i could get that procedure done. wipe all of the memories i have with Greg. and not have to ever think of him again. he cant even give me the courtesy of a text MSG. i never wanted to throw any of the things he got me away. i wanted to keep them so i could remember the good of our relationship and how it helped me become the person i am today and be the person i am in the relationship I'm in now. but thinking about how he's been acting, i just want to burn it all. the blanket, the Tasmanian devil, the reasons why he loved me. i makes me angry to look at it. and i use to look at it with fond memories.

anyways, if there are any other girlfriends of professional cyclists please let me know. i could use some support from a girl who goes through the same stuff i do.